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April 14, 2014

Other than his name, you have every reason to be jealous of Bubba Watson.

Really, other than his name, you have every reason to be jealous of professional golfer Bubba Watson. In fact, here's 11 of them, in an order that suggests perhaps your priorities are shifting.

He Just Won His 2nd Masters

In winning his 2nd Green Jacket, Watson took home nearly $1.62 million in prize money. This is a lot of cash and is probably a pretty normal reason to be jealous of someone, but I'm here to tell you, you shouldn’t be. He’s worked really hard to get to where he is, while you’ve spent much of your free time in the last year just sort of waiting around to get your hands on a Taco Bell Waffle Taco. I guess what I’m saying is, we’re all winners here.

He Owns a "Magic" House

Back in 2012, Watson purchased a mansion in Orlando, Florida, that was previously owned by Tiger Woods. You might remember this as the house where Woods crashed his car right after his wife found out about all that sex with not-his-wife he was having. So why be jealous? Well, Tiger Woods moves out of this house and his career tanks, then Watson moves in and now all of a sudden he’s a two-time Masters champion. What does that tell you? Well, it tells me somewhere in the those walls lies the secret to being not terrible at golf. Plus, a lot of bathrooms and probably some nice tile flooring. Try not to be too jealous.

He Finally Got His GIF Redemption

After money and a silly coat, the next most important thing to come out of Watson’s second Masters win was the chance to prove to the internet that he does indeed understand the custom of shaking hands.

Not many of us will ever get a second chance like this and he certainly made the most of his. Consider me GREEN with envy. HAHA! "Green with envy." Oh man, classic comedy!

He's Just a Good Ol’ Boy

Racist flag aside, the General Lee is a pretty cool car and I fully endorse his spending $110K on what is essentially a TV prop. For instance, if money wasn’t an option for me, I’d love to drop, say, $10K on that blanket from Roseanne.

He Plays Golf Wherever the Fuck He Wants

Sometimes it's just fun to smash things and this guy gets paid to do just that. So, yeah, jealous much?

He Has His Own Boy Band

Look, I’ve put in the research and I still don’t fully understand why this ever happened, but professional golfers Bubba Watson, Ben Crane, Rickie Fowler, and Hunter Mahan united to form a (comedic?) boy band called Golf Boys. I should point out that this song IS NOT TERRIBLE. And hey, maybe it’s just me, but everyone in America has always secretly wanted to be in a boy band. And that’s A FACT. Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know, is that insane?

Oh look, here’s a link to their follow-up hit, "2.Oh" which is, how do I put this, really, really not good. DON'T CLICK ON THIS LINK. In fact, take off your shirt and run far, far away.

Two Words: Hover. Craft.

Two More Words: Waffle. House.

He's Felt the Loving Embrace of Shaquille O’Neal

Everybody needs some loving sometimes.

He Might Be Actually Insane

Want to know an insane reason to be jealous of someone: they themselves are insane. Again, no idea what’s going on here, but I wouldn’t mind grabbing a Taco Bell Waffle Taco with this guy, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.

He Eats Clubs

If all them Waffle Tacos ain't doing the trick and you’re still clamoring for some extra iron in your diet, then Bubba Watson is ‘bout to make you so jelly we might as well spread you on toast.

That's all for now. Join us next time when we'll be ranking the Top 2 Griffeys in MLB History.