Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 02, 2011

No particular order

1.  Having to explain the rules to football:  This is a twofold problem.  First, American football has a lot of rules.  It takes years to learn them all.  Second, you're lucky you're even watching football and not doing brunch with (may God have mercy on your soul) her parents or going for a goddamn bike ride.  I just wanna watch football for the next 12 hours.  Get off my back.

2.  Eating her crap food:  Call me old fashioned, but there's nothing better than a girlfriend that knows how to cook.  If she's one of these chicks that likes her man to cook for her, run as fast as you can.  What is that shit?  Cooking together is a good compromise, but she's gotta know her way around the kitchen.  Basically, if she's the one waiting on the couch for dinner, she's taking my job.  Worst of all, if she thinks she's a good cook and makes you eat everything, put a plastic bag over her head and bury her under the porch.

   3.  One less promise:  A relationship is based on a series of promises you have to make until you begrudgingly accept the fact that you have to get married.  The "move-in promise" is a valuable card to have in your back pocket.  Once you play this card, a rapid succession of life altering events immediately follows suit.  Marriage, kids, move to the suburbs, buy a ridiculous lawn mower, get an IRA, sneak away to masturbate, swingers parties, divorce, find a new apartment with half the money you used to have. 

4.  You can't lie anymore:  Now look what you've done.  What are you gonna say when she asks you to go to the company Christmas party or her nephews bar mitzvah?  You're not sick, you look totally fine.  You don't have a meeting, you're right in front of me.  You can't get out of shit anymore.  If there is something she wants you to go to (95% being something terrible), you have to go.  I don't support lying, but these are white lies.  They're saving your soul.

5.  Beating off in the shower:  Welcome to your new home.  The bathroom. No respectable man is going to beat off on the toilet with a nudie mag.  They still make those?  You will be relegated to masturbating in the shower.  And you know what that means.  No, let me tell you ladies.  That means, due to lack of porn, their beating off to ex-girlfriends, one night stands, and the girls they wanna bang.  I can be absolutely certain of one thing.  No man has ever JO'd to there girlfriend.  That's just weird.  Bonus Tip: If your boyfriend has started taking longer showers, he's definitely jerking off, and your sex life is in trouble.

6.  Dancing With the Stars:  That's right, I'm talking about the show.  Good job buddy.  The amount of stupid shit you'll have to watch just increased by 100%.  You just went from sports and Always Sunny to DWtS, Glee, American Idol, and any other retarded reality show on VH1 or E.  Round of applause for this guy.  You can't even flick anymore.  If you pass by a cute puppy or anything regarding celebrities she'll go, "ooh, ooh, ooh.  Put it back to the puppy.  That looked good."

7. No more wearing your "Give Ups":  The definition of "Give Ups" in  Emmanuelle Lewis' Dictionary:  The clothes one wears whence one has given up on life.  These are the clothes you put on when you get home from work and take off when you go to bed.  You're like a superhero that gets his powers from his sweatpants and "Who Farted?" T-shirt.  You can miraculously lay unmoved for hours on end, only getting up, arduously I may add, to pay the delivery guy.  This only happens when you're last to say "not it". Saying "not it" is the only thing you have to worry about when your "Give Ups" are on.  Bonus Tip:  If she let's you wear "Give Ups", that means she expects you to let her wear "Give Ups".  That's a slippery slope my friend.