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May 26, 2016
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A defense of traditional Bond-age from a concerned Senator.

I am writing today to introduce my newest piece of legislation, HB007, which is designed to protect the traditional values of James Bond that have long been at the core of our functioning society. There are certain characteristics and traits of James Bond that are simply facts of nature and not a matter of choice.

A few extremists and radical activists would have you believe that Agent 007 is a fictional role heavily influenced by a series of choices made by a film studio and cadre of creative types that could be changed based on audience interest or artistic license. This is dangerous propaganda that threatens our already fragile sense of moral boundaries and longstanding social norms.

As a father of two, I should not have to live in constant fear that, instead of a Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan, my son may walk into a theater and be exposed to a James Bond with breasts or non-traditional skin tones, nor should I have to be concerned that my daughter might encounter confusing messaging that women can be more than disposable sexual playthings or sinister seductresses. I already have enough trouble explaining to my sweet little girl why she saw women playing sports in full view on the grounds at our taxpayer-funded public schools.

And this isn’t just about protecting James Bond. This is about protecting all tuxedo-clad, martini-drinking secret agents. These men already live a life where being targeted by lustful women neglected by jewel thieves and crime syndicate bosses is an everyday reality. And now we are just going to let these same predators “choose” to become secret agents and waltz into the secret agent locker rooms, cigar lounges, and billiard rooms, where our spies are most vulnerable? Don’t misinterpret me. I am not saying women can’t help out in the James Bond cause. That is why there are more than enough positions available for coy female assistants and gruff female overseers.

I also wrote this bill because someone needs to stand against the erosion of healthy relationships: those between a Bond and a Bond girl, and then a couple more Bond girls later on. Is this a radical experiment to create Bond boys? I don’t even know what they would be like, but I know the label is far too alliterative to trust.

I have also included a provision to relaunch my call for a ban on Harriet the Spy and all Nancy Drew books and films. I understand my critics will laugh at my suggestion of a slippery slope, but to them I simply offer two words: lady Ghostbusters.

On a personal note, I am a big David Duchovny fan and hope he gets to be one of the next Avengers or something.

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