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Published August 04, 2012

(UNITED STATES) Animal Rights groups joined Gay Rights groups in denouncing fast food retailer Chick fil-A when it was revealed the restaurant is merely a front for seeking out and killing gay chickens, according to a leaked report from the company’s head office.

“Boiling grease is God’s punishment for these queers chickens’ disgusting behavior.” Writes Dan Cathy, CEO. “We shall wipe out the scourge of fowl buggary and make every chicken coop safe from the blight of gay chickens. I call it ‘Homo-hen-ageddon’.”

The report shows that Chick fil-A would routinely send agents to chicken farms, hand-picking chickens that seemed “gay” or “faggy” according to a guide put out by the company.

“Chickens are already pretty gay, how can you tell a gay chicken from a straight one? Sometimes prayer isn’t enough.” reads the guide. It goes on to instruct seeking out chickens who seem butch or roosters who  “Cluck with a lisp”. These chickens would be immediately processed and slaughtered. They were then shipped to any of the 1,600 Chick fil-A outlets, strategically located so as to most effectively massacre as many gay chickens as possible.

They would be sold cheaply to Americans who would dispose of the evidence by eating them.  

Chick fil-A’s plan seems to have backfired, as many evangelical Christians, who make up an enormous amount of the company’s consumer base, are disgusted by the idea of eating gay chickens

“Don’t want to be chowin’ down no pillow-biter poultry! That just ain’t right.” Says Bubba Cranswick, long time Chick fil-A supporter  “I’ll be going back to eat at KFC, where their chicken is all 100% hetero. You can count on the Colonel.”

See Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special