Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. By now you’ve likely heard reports that the Santa Maria, Christopher Columbus’ flagship on his expedition to North America, may have been found off the northern coast of Haiti. We are pleased to announce these rumors are true.
Our proof that the shipwreck is the actual Santa Maria arises from a careful study of geological, underwater topography and archeological evidence, as well as the fact that the boat is completely covered in Christopher Columbus’ semen.
Although it is not well-known amongst non-historians, Christopher Columbus had a habit of drenching his ships with semen — his own semen — before, during, and after a long voyage. It was sort of his calling card. And boy-oh-boy, did he ever go to town on ol’ Santa Maria. As soon as our underwater archaeological investigators took a blacklight down there, well, let’s just say we all knew who had been there. Thirty-foot-long spunk trails, a cannon covered in an inch of hardened male fluids — this was definitely Chris’ ship. We don’t need DNA tests to know that.
There’s semen everywhere. Semen on the sails, semen on the deck — semen on the whole shipwreck. I know that rhymed but I’m just really distracted by all the 500-year-old semen I just saw. Holy crap. There’s semen on the bottom of the anchor for Chrissakes.
Why did Columbus feel the need make a pearl necklace out of his whole boat? Some believe it was an act of territorial aggression, while others wonder whether the spermed-up ships may have performed better in the open air. Most historians conclude, however, that the man simply had a thing for boats. A sex thing.
At the end of the day, we may never know for sure why Columbus ejaculated a literal boat-load of semen onto his vessel, all we know is that he did do it. A lot. I mean, we found treasure chests full of semen. Maps to the New World written in semen. A little parrot skeleton covered in semen. Polly want a cracker? More like Polly want some semen. That’s right, we believe the parrot was fed his semen. Well, at least Dr. Clifford does.
Our team has yet to conclude how the semen has survived for over 500 years, though we have some theories. The ship was likely covered in a thick coat of hard semen before she sank, which would preserve it longer. We also believe Chris simply had some seriously strong semen. If a nuclear bomb blew up the entire world, there’d still be two things left: cockroaches and Christopher Columbus’ jizz parrot.
Now, you may be asking, “How do we know for sure that this is the Santa Maria, and not just one of Columbus’s many other semen-covered boats?” After chipping away at a two-inch-thick wall of splooge on the ship’s hull, we made a priceless discovery: the words “Santa Maria,” written, of course, in semen. Case closed.