Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 02, 2018

Donald Trump finally recoups lost money from 1980's USFL mistake!

Throughout the history of mankind, there could be considered events that give credence to the expression “better late than never.” For instance, looking back observers can now see dynamics such as the collapse of the Berlin Wall, America’s election of a black president, the end of the McRib sandwich at McDonald’s and Lifetime Network’s cutting off at least one hour of Golden Girls reruns, as examples. Such is the case of the recently embattled National Football League’s gift purse of $163 million to Donald Trump. When interviewed last Tuesday, the President acknowledged as much:

“I am pleased to finally see these old concussion producing saps come to
their senses. As you may recall, when I was with the USFL, we sued them
for anti-trust violations. And even though we only won $3, it was the symbolic
victory that mattered. The $163 million as you recall is the exact amount we lost
as we folded in 1986.”

When a representative of the League’s headquarters on Park Avenue was asked about the payout, they responded in kind:

“This has been a trying time for us the past couple of years. With the player
protests prompting fan backlash, to us moving two teams to Los Angeles
and only having roughly 200 fans show up, who mostly are church groups or
pedophiles with Eric Dickerson jerseys and idiot rams shaped hats,
you can see we did not need a president with an itchy twitter finger breathing
down our necks. In conclusion, this had nothing to do with some unspoken
obligation to placate Mr. Trump, for his stupid dumpster fire of a football league.
We just wanted him to simply shut up.”

Of course, when asked for a response through his press secretary of the week, Ann Coulter; had this to say:

“ Mr. Trump has never been one to occasionally pick petty arguments to
initiate conflict. He is one to CONSTANTLY do it. And although he
has no plan to start a pro sports league he plans to use the settlement,
er gift, to help build our border wall. It is his hope to keep out illegal aliens,
terrorists, drug pushers, door-to-door cutlery salesmen, former Poison front man,
Bret Michaels, Rosy O'Donnell and Flo from all of those Progressive commercials.
He also plans to help his old friend, Billy Bush, by creating a consulting job with a bikini modeling agency, yet to be named.”

So in light of the Super Bowl in the next four weeks, we can consider the notion that life can come full circle. Here’s looking at you two time super bowl losing, projectile vomit on yourselves, Atlanta Falcons. There is hope yet, explosive diarrhea in your pants, four time loser, Buffalo Bills. We can consider the hope that some things come better late than never.