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October 12, 2015
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No Americans want to be Speaker of the House? Let's do what we always do: Hire a day laborer!

Soooo no one in Congress wants to be Speaker of the House. Who can blame them? It’s a truly bullshit job. Being Speaker of the House is the Congressional equivalent of heading the prom committee in high school: It’s no fun and everyone is going to say you did a shitty job no matter what. But someone has to do it. So let’s do what we always do when there’s a job no American wants: Hire an immigrant day laborer.

I mean NO ONE wants this job, guys. Kevin McCarthy, Paul Ryan — it’s like a reverse Game of Thrones where you die if you win. Now some true heroes are suggesting Dick Cheney take the job. Sure, because a bad man with a bionic heart is exactly who should have more power in this country. Let’s not overthink this, America! Let’s get in dad’s pickup, head down to Home Depot, and pay a hard-working immigrant less money than they deserve to do the job for us.

Now you might say, “Hey! That’s not possible. That day laborer isn’t an elected member of Congress!” Fact: The Speaker of the House doesn’t HAVE to be an elected member of Congress. That’s right, the Speaker can literally be anyone. It’s like our founding fathers knew that we’d eventually catch on and realize what a garbage job Speaker of the House really is.

Still on the fence? Consider that this: A day laborer will almost certainly work harder than anyone in Congress. I mean John Boehner was clocking 40 hours a week in a tanning booth, weeping to the Hunger Games soundtrack. We really can’t get less out of a government employee than is already the standard.

Another perk: Our day laborer will likely have limited English, which means they can’t understand the unmitigated bullshit that takes place in Congress. Honestly, understanding what is being said in Congress has never done anyone any good. It’s a place full of people who rose to power by owning the most successful pool business in their hometown and now get to decide what defines human life. NOT understanding the debates will ensure whoever we pick up stays Speaker for years.

Now you might be like, “But if the President and VP both die, this random day laborer will be running the free world!” Technically you’re correct, but let’s think through this: If the President and Vice President both die, it’s because we’re in a 28 Days Later/Thunderdome post-apocalypse–type situation. In that case, the physically strongest person in the country is going to wrest control from Congress and rule us all. And you know who that will be? A DAY LABORER. When the end-times come, our constitutional succession will become about as valuable as paper currency. The guy able to lay concrete in 100-degree heat for 10 hours straight will be President before any Speaker of the House.

And the best part of this plan is, if they fuck up, we just head back to Home Depot and get a new Speaker tomorrow. So let’s put our truly broken immigration and labor practices to work here. Random Day Laborer for Speaker 2016!

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