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Halloween's just around the corner. If you find yourself costume-less, here are some simple ideas:
 
  • Do you have a flannel shirt and a roll of paper towels? Then you have a costume. Simply wrap your nude body in the paper towels, carry a rolled-up piece of the flannel, and voilà: Bizarro Brawny Man.
  • Wear all white and attach a circle of yellow construction paper to your shirt. Now you’re an egg. To become a deviled egg, simply scrawl “666” in your forehead and start reciting Aramaic in an unearthly voice.
  • Carry around a notebook labeled “Cat in the Hat-First Draft.” Now you look exactly like Dr. Seuss to the best of anyone’s knowledge.
  • Dress up like a caterer and do your best catering and accept reasonable payment from the host. Works well as a group costume.
  • Ladies: If sexy schoolgirl is already taken, try bookish lifeguard.
  • Ladies: If bookish lifeguard is taken, try inconspicuous prostitute.
  • Ladies: If inconspicuous prostitute is taken, try sultry cinder block.
  • Carry a butcher knife and hang a cereal box from your neck. Open the box to reveal it’s full of human body parts. Get it? You’re a deranged murderer who doesn’t take himself too seriously.
  • Everyone with a basic understanding of genetics knows that a half-minotaur/half-centaur hybrid will often express the full human body phenotype. In other words, go naked.
  • If you usually don’t wear a monocle, wear a monocle and be a fancy man. 
  • If you usually do wear a monocle, wear two monocles and be a fancier man.  Or just wear contacts and be a hobo.
  • Draw the letter ‘P’ on an old shirt. Now, wear a protective facemask that really guards the eyes and grab some pepper spray, because not this year.
  • Wear a pot on your head and be a “pothead.” Or wear a box over your face and be a “blockhead.” Or put gears in your hair and be a “gearhead.” Or balance a mattress on your skull and be “bedhead.”
  • Turn yourself into a bunch of grapes by attaching a dozen purple balloons to your clothes and filling the balloons with red wine. Now you can skip waiting in line at the bar, and yours is the only costume that can go through a complete life cycle.
  • Attach a stuffed jockey to a real ostrich and send it to the party, while you stay home and avoid all that mess.
  •  Grab an early 1970’s era NASA spacesuit from your closet and become Apollo 16 lunar module pilot Charles Duke.
  • A model. And I am not just talking about a costume. I mean, look at you. Also, I wanted to tell you, your boyfriend is a fool to not appreciate how amazing you are. Hope you don’t think that’s weird.
  • A pumpkin, if you have a pumpkin big enough to hollow out and wear.
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