School sux! Classes are boring, teachers don’t get it, and worst of all are the fascist principals. We all wish we could just ditch this small town and move to the big city and play guitar in the Red Hot Chili Peppers but when we carve RHCP GuItAr BoY into the lunchroom table we get sent to the principal’s office and get that classic lecture “Excuse me mister but if you don’t study and behave you’ll grow up to be broke losers and drug addicts” and then we scream back “Well, if I grow up to be a principal I might just dig a hole and bury myself in it because you have a lame life!”

— All Elementary School Students pre-2015

Principals are being seen in a whole new light today after retired elementary school principal, Harold Diamond, won $326 million in the New York Lottery. It’s the biggest jackpot in state history and it’s all going to the guy who (probably) called students into his office for spray painting “Barf Pocket” on the new algebra teacher’s Kia. Most students these days think it’s “pretty legit” to have a butt load of money so it makes sense that most students will start to respect their principals just a little bit more now that one of them could be richer than LeBron James.

My question is what does a school principal, someone who just loves harshing the mellow of cool kids “just trying to hang out and have some cigarettes” do with that much money? Help family? Give back to the community? Yes, probably. But I bet he’s also putting a few million aside for these things:


Sweater vests

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New garden hose for watering grass


Camera’s installed all around so he can spy on us kids

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Looney Tunes ties

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Hush Puppies (shoes)

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Hush Puppies (Long John Silvers)

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More drawers (for keeping all the cool stuff he confiscates from us kids)

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A Roth IRA

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A Huey Lewis and the News “Sports” CD, used

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And a bunch of dusty old books that no one even cares about anymore

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