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August 18, 2016

A different perspective on creating peace, tranquility and harmony in the middle east, while having some fun, making some money and totally changing their culture.

So I went to my local pub to check on affairs in the middle east with my local inside source, Uncle Dickie.

“I was reading the paper,” says I, “about the problems in the middle east and the fundamental issues they have - the large population bulge of disaffected young males, ungoverned spaces, economic challenges, and the availability of weapons, won’t go away for a long time.”

“So, Dickie,” says I, “what do you think we should do? Bomb them like Trump said, or increase our military presence, like Hillary has voted for and supported in the past? Or do we try to keep avoid the direct route, like Obama?”

“Neither,” said Dickie. “They aren’t thinking outside the box. Let’s look at the situation. Energy revenues are down. They’re oppressed by a bunch of old guys in robes. It’s hot, with little air conditioning. They can’t play golf, watch football, eat wings or chili dogs, and they can’t check out women. Also, they gotta go to mass all the time. And you can’t tell a terrorist from a regular Muslim, so who do you fight?”

“No argument there, plus it’s very sandy,” I said. So what does our next President do?“

"Easy. build 1,000 Hooters throughout the Middle East.”

“Hmmm. I like it. But it’s not very presidential.”

“Well let’s see,” he said. “Presidential means you attack somebody. Pretty much every President has done that, even if it was only Grenada. And what have we accomplished? As soon as we leave, people go back to being like they were before, or worse. Libya, Iraq, Iran, etc. So it doesn’t work, right?”

“Well, yeah pretty much,” I said.

“Plus it’s expensive as hell. People get killed. We supply them with our guys to shoot at. And they still hate our guts, right.”

“Can’t argue.”

“So, you build Hooters all over the area and win the PR war. We just show them what they’re missing.”


“Like air conditioning; cool them off. Sports on TV, even if it’s that damned soccer everybody else likes so much. Give ‘em something to talk about beside politics, the U.S. and Allah. Crappy food, fried, so they have something to eat besides goats and curry. Girls in shorts, which needs no explanation. And, of course, beer, so they have a reason to live.”

“Hmmm. Not sure it’ll work,” I said, “but there is a fractured logic to it.”

“Yeah, it’ll work,” said Dickie. “Look at Dubai. They went western and they aren’t going to attack anybody. They’re too busy skiing in their shopping center. Open Hooters, then follow that up with micro-breweries. It’s got to work better than bombing the hell out of them.”

“One question, though,” I stated. “They have to face Mecca and pray four times a day. Won’t that cut into profits?”

“Hell no. Just set it up like Keno; have a prayer time sweepstakes. Add gambling to the service. Nobody can resist a game of chance with their religion.”

“Well,” I said, “I suppose that would give them more to live for. I know if I didn’t have sports, cold beer, television, wings and women, I’d be inclined to blow myself up.”

“Damn straight. They ain’t no different. You just gotta change their culture so they’re not so tense,” Dickie said.

“I suppose. And we are good at marketing,” I said. “But what about push-back from the religious people here? They aren’t too big on sponsoring sin.”

“No problem,” he said. “First, we tell them the country we’re in pays for it, explain we’re going to put an American flag on every menu, then we tell them we’re calling the places Heathens, not Hooters.”

“Not sure the Muslims will like the name too much, but on the other hand, maybe you’re right, maybe they want some sin in their lives. So, maybe we bring this up at the next town hall meeting.”

“From where I sit,” he said, “I think Trump will go for it; Bernie will want to change it to health spas instead of Hooters, Hillary will hate it, but BIll will love it.”

“One last question. Which area of the government should do all of this?”

“Easy,” he said. “The Secret Service. They’ve been throwing parties for years.”

(with apologies to Mike Royko)