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April 21, 2015
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Episode descriptions for the very dark Netflix reboot of Full House.

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Full House is back, and it’s not for kids anymore.

Netflix is bringing Full House back for 13 episodes, but a lot has changed since the show went off the air twenty years ago. In a world that seems harsher and more dangerous than the 1990’s, don’t be surprised if the series takes on a grittier tone. Below are some episode descriptions for the darker reboot that we assume we’ll be seeing.


Episode 1 – The Gang’s Back!
The family’s reunion is quickly ruined when a house fire claims the life of D.J.’s husband, Steve. Everybody is forced to relocate to a La Quinta Inn while investigators search the remains of the Tanner home. When foul play is indicated, the family turns on each other. Uncle Jesse gets a bad haircut.


Episode 3 – Hair So Long!
Kimmy Gibbler’s crippling heroin addiction finally comes to a head when she’s caught stealing painkillers that Rebecca needs following her botched hysterectomy. The family holds an intervention, and Kimmy says she’ll seek professional help. Two weeks later she’s found dead in an abandoned warehouse with a note that simply reads “I’m sorry, Tanners.” Uncle Jesse records a song called “Hair So Long.”


Episode 6 – Time Heals All Wounds!
The Tanners move back into their home, but nobody can sleep. Joey stays awake watching old episodes of Ranger Joe, lamenting his humiliating fall from grace due to a public masturbation scandal. D.J. can’t go in her room. “There’s too much death,” she whispers to herself until the words become meaningless. Uncle Jesse can’t decide which jean jacket to wear.


Episode 8 – The Pipe.
Michelle beats Joey with a pipe.


Episode 9 – Live From Milwaukee!
The entire episode is a filmed one-act play that was recorded in a Milwaukee theater in front of 56 people. The Tanners eat an unpleasant meal together, with heavy subtext hinting that somebody will be poisoned. Uncle Joey uses the phrase, “Armenian fuckwad,” 18 times, and D.J. refuses to put away her gun. Uncle Jesse can’t find his lucky Elvis belt.


Episode 11 – Make A Choice!
Michelle and Stephanie are kidnapped by the San Francisco serial murderer “The Puller” but Danny only has enough money to pay the ransom for one of them. In an act of desperation, Danny attempts to storm the killer’s “Pull Palace” but is untrained and unprepared for the situation. He ends up losing both his beloved, troubled daughters. Uncle Jesse buys a motorcycle.


Episode 13 – The End!
The Tanners decide to pile into the minivan and drive to the Grand Canyon for a family vacation. They bicker and lash out at each other for hours until Danny, finally ready to take his own life, lets go of the wheel and allows the car to careen off a cliff. There are no survivors. Uncle Jesse’s corpse is put in a silly suit.

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