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May 18, 2017

"I'm sick of Paul being better than me."

Recently it was announced that my former bandmate Paul McCartney will make a cameo in the film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. If Paul is able to be in a hit movie franchise, I don’t see why I, Ringo Starr, the Beatles’ greatest band member named Ringo Starr, shouldn’t be in one as well. That’s why I’m trying to drum up support to get me cast in the next Fast & the Furious movie! I said “drum up” because I played the drums for the Beatles when they would let me.

I’ve already thought of the characters I could possibly play for the film. One of them is Chuck Gasoline, famed car thief and moderately good rock band drummer. As Chuck, I’d join the gang in racing all over the world in expensive cars and firing guns. In real life, my friend John was killed by a gun, so I feel like he’d be honored if I got to kill someone with a gun in the movie.

Chuck Gasoline’s catchphrase would be, “Don’t worry guys, I’ll always stick around!” and he’d spin a drumstick when he said it. I’m still learning how to spin one, but I’d be ready by the time we filmed or we could CGI it.

If you have enough good guys, I could be a villain character too. I’d be called Yoko and start dating Vin Diesel’s character and make him break up his gang and only hang out with me. I know that doesn’t sound like it would work, but trust me it will.

As Yoko, my catch phrase would be, “Too late, I’ve ensnared your friend!” and then hit my snare drum. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention Yoko also plays the drums in the movie, but in an evil way. Like maybe the cymbals are made out of skulls or something? I’m not great at hitting cymbals right now, but I’d take a few lessons before we shot those scenes.

Hell, if you don’t want me in the whole movie, I’d be fine just making a cameo. I’d even play myself, Ringo Starr! The scene could have everyone at a concert and someone would be like, “Wow, who is playing those drums so adequately?” and someone else would say, “That’s Ringo Starr!” Then we’d zoom in on my face and I’d pull down my sunglasses and say, “I’m on a roll!” while doing a cool drum roll. Again, I don’t know how to do a cool drum roll since I’m still learning basic fills and how to keep time, but I’m sure we could have a stuntman do it for me.

Character or cameo, I don’t care. I just don’t want to be the only living member of the Fab Four not in a movie franchise that has long overstayed its welcome. I’ll even pay for the entire film, if I have to. Please, just don’t let Paul beat me yet again!

Beat me” like a drum, you know? Have I told you that’s the instrument I play? I think I might have.