As with all good things, some have to come to an end. After entertaining you chumps all week, today’s my last blog post for Funny or Die – those deadbeats aren’t delivering on their promises. I was supposed to be supplied with a daily stream of on-call nude Asian masseuses, the finest Kush money can buy, and a fountain of the finest malt liquors.
Instead, all I’ve gotten off these guys is a warm bottle of Boone’s Farm and a well-worn pair of Ben Wah Balls. I’m contractually obligated to keep dropping my golden nuggets of wisdom for the next 5 years, but I’m working on a backup plan. I’m thinking of laying low and opening up a respectable chain of dead dog-filled Mexican taco joints. It’s better than catching crabs, I guess. (I should know, I’m having another flare-up as I type this.)
So consider this my tear-filled goodbye. I’m crying almost as much as that time I got my short and curlies caught in a table vise (seriously, don’t ask). If you’re still begging for more, hit me up in the Twitterverse or in my Secluded Mountain Fortress known as JStache.com.
Ya’lls my mofuckys,