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September 03, 2015
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Jim Harbaugh: I’ve Been Curled Up Under My Desk Eating Wood For 8 Months Waiting For Tonight

September third eight thirty pm WE WILL ROCK YOU. September third eight thirty pm WE WILL ROCK YOU. September third eight thirty pm WE WILL ROCK YOU. September third eight thirty pm WE WILL ROCK Y— Oh sorry, force of habit, this is the only thing I’ve been typing into my computer for the last eight months. I’ll stop briefly now to write an article about how I’ve prepared for the 2015 football season.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Coach Jim Harbaugh. I would mention here where you might have seen me before but I do not believe in looking back, only forward, there is only Michigan and our game tonight and the Big Ten and beating Ohio State and winning a national championship. Oh boy I’m fired up, I need some wood to chew on! Ah, here’s some. Nice, oak again!

I’m currently writing this from under my desk where I have spent every moment of this offseason when I’m not on the practice field with the team or in the video room with the other coaches. My wife packed me a lunch the first day I went into work but I have long since finished that food and never returned home so now I gnaw on chunks of wood that I pry off the desk to satiate my physical hunger but also to keep my forever-grinding jaw from dislodging from my mouth, flying laterally at high speed and possibly injuring anyone who might be standing next to me.

It’s cozy here under the desk. I’m completely hunched over, my neck is jutted out, and my eyes are bulging from the pressure of the tight space, so it’s basically like paradise for me. And, not to keep bragging, but there’s plenty of wood to gnaw on. Mostly oak. Twenty-four hours a day.

But today is a special day because it’s here! The first game of the 2015 football season is finally here and it’s happening tonight and I am the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines and we will win there is no other option WE WILL ROCK YOU I NEED MORE WOOD!

*crack, break, gnaw-gnaw-gnaw*

I know that some people say I’m a little intense. I’ve never physically heard anyone say this because the only sounds I ever hear are a high-pitched ringing and Queen’s stomp-stomp-clap We Will Rock You chorus mixed with caged up pound dogs barking and alarm noises. Sounds like this:

But I often read that some people say this about me and I’m fine with that because intensity wins football games and that’s my job. And my life. And my wife, all due respect to my legal wife, Sarah.

Me and the entire Michigan Wolverines football program have worked tirelessly, prepared rigorously, and chewed lots of wood (mostly me on this last one) to get ready for our season opener tonight against whatever team we are playing (if it isn’t Ohio State I don’t pay attention because I expect my boys to steamroll any other team through grit and pure force of will). And I think it’s going to pay off in an undefeated record and a national championship for every season from now until I die.

The only thing left to do is decide which pair of Dockers pleated khaki pants I should wear on the sidelines tonight.

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I’m not gonna lie, these are my favorites. I’ve worn them during literally every game I’ve coached so far in my life. But, new job new look and all of that so, let’s see what else we got.

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I worry that these might come off as me trying to be “too cool for school”

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Black pants?! Who do I look like, Sid Vicious? NEXT!

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Alright, we’re headed back in the right direction, but these seem a little too sassy for a first impression.

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Very cool but, cookouts only.

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It would be pretty embarrassing if I showed up to coach the Michigan Wolverines football team in women’s pants!

I’m going with the first pair.

See you tonight on the football field! Well, I won’t physically see you. Once a football game starts my eyesight gets very blurry and I can only make out the white and black stripes of a referee uniform with a blood-red target on their backs. Can’t wait!

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