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May 31, 2009


Hello world!

My name's Matty Smith. You may remember me from last week, when about 51% of you thought I made something moderately funny or were my mom, while the other 49% of you thought I'd made something so bad I deserved to die or were my dad. I appreciate everyone's feedback, but a slight nod goes to those who didn't want me dead. We can all be friends though! That is what the Internet is about: community, friendships, and letting people know what their sexual preferences are on message boards.

If you are here it means you either clicked a link or a coworker played a mean prank, because you are now on my blog, reading my thoughts that are innermost enough to be typed by me but outermost enough for me to be comfortable sharing them with strangers and my nephew-Googling relatives (hi Aunt Debbie!). To make it up to you, I will make this post as dynamic as possible through the use of really awesome interesting textual choices, as I did in the preceding paragraphs. Remember to return in future days, because you never know how insane my textual choices will be. The word "textual" in that last sentence is written in "Trebuchet MS" and is raised above the other words because I wanted to emphasize it and because it was a magical flying word that learned to fly from its superhero grandfather. 

If your response to that wasn't saying "omg u rox" and then going to look at YouTube videos of puppies, you may not be my target audience. You may be an adult or a robot, in which case I say "amscray, ya old mecha-geezer!"

If you're still reading, we're totally buds now, and you've earned yourself a treat:
Oh no! That guy took a bite of your In-N-Out before you got to it! It's still good, though, plus I'll grab you another one next time I go. 

See everyone? The Internet is super-fun Comic sans.

My goodness, this post is a mess. It's really all exposition, like the first hour and fifty-nine minutes of Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. Now I gotta make it all super-awesome and exciting, like the last minute of Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. There'll also be some really sweet car chase scenes, like in all 7,620 seconds of Quentin Tarantino's Gone in 60 Seconds. Yes, I did look up the actual run time of that movie and yes, I did decide to go with the director's cut length and no, I don't know that Quentin Tarantino didn't direct that movie, even as I write this right now. Please respond in the comments section accordingly.

Gotta take it home now. Time to put on the foil, as they say in that one hockey movie with Paul Newman, Butch Cassidy and Wayne Gretzky Go To Mathmagic Land

So, here's a top ten list of what every blog needs to be great:
10. A List.
9. Quentin Tarantino's name mentioned at least five times.
8. A geek chic reference. So, uh, Tron, Tron, Tanooki Suit, Tron.
7. Self deprecation.
6. Self indulgence.
SELF Magazine link.
4. Stellar application of different
fonts and font styles.
3. A stolen jpeg (that's a picture file, for all you mecha-geezers who didn't amscray the first time I asked!).
2. Pointless math/statistics (percentages and references to Donald Duck math-related cartoons are both acceptable).

1. Funny, insightful writing.

So, 9 out of 10. Not bad for the first day! Come back tomorrow for some more writing, and I promise that it'll be way, way super better, for serious.