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January 22, 2016

A guide of the best kinds of wine and sex to have while you're holed up with your lover during this weekend's blizzard.

This winter, romantics up and down the east coast will plan to hole up in their apartment, drink wine, and have sex. To make it easier for all you horndogs out there, I’ve listed the ten best kinds of wine and sex to have during a blizzard.

Wine & Sex Pairing #1

Wine: Red
The perfect companion to sensual foods, stirring conversation, and, yes, passionate love making. Three things you definitely should be enjoying during a weekend inside.

Sex: Missionary on the bed.
It’s a classic for a reason. Find a way to sneak in at least one round of straightforward missionary on the bed, if for no other reason than it’s just so dependable. It may not be the best, but it definitely won’t be the worst.

Wine & Sex Pairing #2

Wine: White.
Nothing says fun and carefree–stopping short of immature and reckless–like a bottle of white wine shared between friends. And at the end of the day, your lover’s gotta be your friend too.

Sex: On the couch.
It’s fun and adventurous while still safe and very much on your home turf.

Wine & Sex Pairing #3

Wine: I ran out wine types that I know.
That can’t be right… Did I already say both red and white? I guess I did. Damn. I should have thought about this a little more before I committed to listing ten types of wine. I might only know two kinds. But I definitely know plenty of kinds of sex!

Sex: On the kitchen floor!
This one is especially fun for couples in a long term relationship, where cooking has become the most exciting thing they both still do together. Naked bodies rolling around on the frost cooled kitchen tile is a RECIPE for steamy whoopie.

Wine & Sex Pairing #4

Wine: Champagne?
Is that wine? Like FRENCH wine.

Sex: Makeup sex.
If you’re spending 3 days alone with your mate you’re bound to fight about something. Don’t waste it! Yell and scream and get yourselves all worked up into a lather and then use that lather to get sticky! Man, I really don’t want to try to think of another kind of wine right now.

Wine & Sex Pairing #5

Wine: I don’t know what to do.
This article is due in like 30 mins and if I don’t turn it in I’m fucked.

Sex: While watching a movie
Ooh, yeah, now we’re talking! Usually off limits, but you’ll be having sex all weekend in all kinds of ways, so why not try one without pausing Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and see how fun it is to be engrossed in two beautiful things at once.

Wine & Sex Pairing #6

Wine: The pink kind!
This is totally a new type of wine! It’s not red, it’s not white, it’s pink! Like those ones you buy in big jugs at Walgreens! Phew! I’m back on track, baby!

Sex: “69”
Now we’re getting to the good stuff! If you haven’t 69ed with your boyfriend or girlfriend yet, your third go at each other in a day is the perfect time to try.

Wine & Sex Pairing #7

Wine: I really blew my load with the pink kind one before.
Crap, I might get fired. Especially after the failure of my “15 kinds of unconstitutional tax laws to know about and dildos to buy for your lover on MLK Jr. Day” article last week.

Sex: Mutual Masturbation
Dude, it might get weird. Go with it, baby.

Wine & Sex Pairing #8

Wine: Let’s face it, you’re this deep in the article for all the great kinds of sex. It’s why you clicked on the damn thing in the first place. Wine is wine, who cares?!
Buy the second cheapest one and you’ll be fine.

Sex: One partner lowering him or herself down onto the other using the shower curtain bar.
Hell yeah! It’s a blizzard, there’s a low key end-of-the-world vibe going on so now’s the safest time to be daring. This is especially weird because you gotta do it either in complete darkness or in the harsh light of the bathroom’s strong bulbs while facing a mirror. Pretty cool, huh?

Wine & Sex Pairing #9

Wine: I just googled “different color wines” and there were 78 million results.
I can’t sift through all that, man.

Sex: Blindfolded and handcuffed to bed.
Everything about sex–kissing, touching, the whole shebang—is about advanced trust and vulnerability. Being blindfolded and chained up to your bed is the ultimate exhibition of trust and vulnerability. But use the fake kind of handcuffs, don’t be some sort of nutcase about it.

Wine & Sex Pairing #10

Wine: Shit…I really porked myself here. I’m gonna send this to my boss and he’s gonna be like, what the hell, dude? And I’ll be like do you know more than 3 kinds of wine? And I’m sincerely interested to hear his answer.
Whatever, it’s Friday, get me out of here so I can go home and drink. Not wine though, I’m going to drink beer. I hate wine.

Sex: Butt
The forbidden, blizzard-weekend-only kind.