Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 24, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The U.S. military will reportedly allow female soldiers to serve in combat. Male soldiers serving in combat approved of the news, as they were worried they'd have to start raping each other.

Two New Jersey residents are suing Subway for not serving actual foot-long sandwiches. "This is about lying to consumers and being honest," said Chris Christie and his stomach.

An oil basin potentially worth $20 trillion has been discovered in Australia. Marking the first time Australians were ever happy to discover something black.

On Wednesday, Hillary Clinton fought accusations from members of Congress that the Obama administration misled the public about the consulate attack in Benghazi. Afterwards, Democrats asked her in private, "How'd you do that?"
"Do what?" said Hillary.
"Stand up to Republicans."

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o admitted he briefly lied to the public about his fake girlfriend. To be fair, what would you do if you found out Lance Armstrong did that to you? 

British Prime Minister David Cameron said that if his party wins another election, the UK will vote on whether to leave the European Union. And if he loses, the UK will vote on whether to keep acting like it's not a part of the European Union. 

In other election news, Israeli elections saw Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu experience a narrow victory. Also experiencing a narrow victory, any Palestinian male not shot to death.

Mozilla will be releasing a Firefox smartphone later this year. Perfect for teenagers since their parents will never know the phone exists.

Adele will perform the song "Skyfall" at the Oscars. Afterwards she will accept the award for Best Best Ever.

Scientists say they've discovered the "holy grail" of brain disease research. Sadly, there was a lot of trial and error involved in finding the right holy grail.

The National Institutes of Health say most chimpanzees currently living in research facilities should be retired. Raising the question, would there be enough jobs for them at Walmart?

The actor who once provided the voice of Charlie Brown was arrested in San Diego on stalking charges. But if you think that's bad, you should see what happened to the kid who played Pig-Pen.