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August 22, 2017
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Okay, okay, settle down for a minute.

With Four-Star Marine Corps General John Kelly’s appointment as Trump’s second Chief of Staff, many hoped he could instill a sense of composure in the otherwise chaotic White House. Sadly, it seems General Kelly is struggling with the calamity more than he anticipated. See below for a statement from Kelly.


Alright, hang on. Huh? Yeah, okay we’ll deal with– wait I’m sorry what? He did what where? Okay, just a second–
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Anti-police agitators? We’ll find out who taught him that. I’m sorry, I think–
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Slow down. Sorry, yes. Yeah, I told him to say heal. Well how did he spell it? Okay, uhh, no more homophones, I guess– hold it–
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Where is he now? Yes, location. Uh, then ask Secret Service. Also, where’s Kushner?? He listens to the kid–
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Yes? Okay, I see, but Bannon’s gone so– huh? And what is Gorka’s deal? Oh wow, WOW, okay–
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Yeah what’s– wait actually staring at the eclipse? But he’s not blind, right? Great. Honestly, we’ll take that scandal, pretty low stakes all things considered. Did anyone grab my coff–
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Yeah, oh gosh, Jesus, wait sorry, debt ceiling? We’re not there yet, are we? How soon?? Christ, call my wife and cancel–
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Found him? Where? Well why does he feel the need to hide? Uh-huh. Okay, uhhh, two tweets then take the phone. Try. Alright, Kel, no time to panic– no, no, the Afghanistan thing was us. Yeah no, not improvised, I think… get me a transcript–
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I understand. Look, I understand! The guy is chaos! I don’t even know who the mayor of Phoenix is, can we please try to leave him alone? We already didn’t? GAH. What do we do!? Yeah, yes, that’s my job. Right. Stay strong Kelly, you were in war
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How’s he doing this so quickly?! Has anyone found Kushner? I need someone to get through– he explicitly said hiding? Deep breaths, Kel, don’t let'em in. Do not let them in.What do you mean he wants to ‘do a pardon’? Not the comically racist sheriff? God DAMMIT how!? What is happening!? Is literally anyone encouraging this!?–
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Yeah I know, I know! We’re all gonna die! For the love of god what do we do!? Listen, PLEASE let me go back to the Pentagon. Everyone’s so strict and boring there, we just nod at each other all day.There’s so much here, it’s all the time, please god take me somewhere safe. Hello? Hello?!–
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WHAT? WHERE’S KUSH!? I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING BEFORE I CAN EVEN THINK OF SOLUTIONS. I’M A MORTAL MAN, PLEASE! FREE ME FROM THIS– NO, I DON’T WANT ERIC, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE–
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Eric… I don’t know, I’m not a doctor! No, Eric. Doctors aren’t scary. ERIC, PLEASE, call someone else about this. Maybe your mother or Tiffany or something. I need to find sanctuary, it’s the end times, Eric.

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