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If you’re not familiar with comedian Rob Delaney, we recommend you fire up the ol’ Twitter and start following him. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Back? Fantastic. You won’t be disappointed. Anyway, since it’s Valentine’s Day and we wanted an excuse to talk with Rob, we asked him a few hard-hitting questions about everyone’s favorite holiday. You know, to get some insight on his thoughts on the day. And on love. And luckily, on a whole lot more.

If you could create the perfect Valentine's Day, start to finish, what would it be?

Rob: First off, whoever my date was, we'd fuck in the afternoon. In all likelihood my date would be my wife, but that's just a detail. We'd fuck in the afternoon because that's when I'm horniest. When I get in bed at night, I want to sleep. When I wake up in the morning, I want to go back to sleep. But after I've been up and at 'em for a few hours, I want to fuck real bad. And by fuck I mean eat some serious pussy, because why does that stuff taste so good? Honestly, I don't even need to know, I just need to get my face right up in it. Now, on the off chance that this professional tongue-lashing wasn't "enough" for my date, who I should probably tell you at this point is actually Jennifer Hudson (before she lost all that weight) I would also take my date (again; fat Jennifer Hudson) out for a dinner that cost a MINIMUM of $27.00, because I give a shit about women and what they want/need.

 
What was the worst thing to ever happen to you on a Valentine's Day?

Rob: Have you seen the film "Jacob's Ladder?" It made that shit look like "Bambi" for homos. (I don't mean that in a derogatory way; in my experience, homos are extremely sensitive people, who give way more "TLC" to their work than straight people or bis.)

What was the best?

Rob: Have you seen the film "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion?" It made that look like "Wicker Man." (The shitty one where Nicolas Cage punches Kathy Bates full-on in the face.) That said, Mira Sorvino and I were married from 1994-2007 so I am biased.

Who would your ideal Valentine's Day date be? You can choose dead people.

Rob: First off, if you're telling me you've killed or even harmed Jennifer Hudson, my Valentine's Day date will be your mom and I will fuck her very hard and make her love me more than she ever loved you. If you're just a guy asking an innocent question, my ideal Valentine's Day date would be the band Fugazi, because they are not one beautiful woman, but rather they are four serious dudes, so it would present a real challenge to me to romance them properly and meet each of their individual needs. Plus, while I tended to each member, the other three could literally rock my face off with their amazing music, until I was just a love machine with no face, rocking it all the way 'til the sun set on everyone's fulfilled dreams.
 
How many times have you watched the movie "Valentine's Day?"

Rob: None; I was on my way to the theater to see it, but your mom asked if I could do her in my Volvo station wagon real quick and I lost track of time because she's very good at sex. I'm your dad now.
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