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November 25, 2011

The United Nations is considering intervening to stop Christmas shopping-related violence in the USA.


image UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon said today that the UN security council is considering dispatching peacekeeping forces to various shopping malls and discount retail stores throughout America in an attempt to quell “Black Friday” shopping-related violence.

The much-reported pepper spray incident at a California Wal-Mart was only one of many such incidents reported around the country, with many reported fights and stampedes at various shopping locales. There was a shooting reported in South Carolina in which one shopper was wounded, and at least one other Black Friday shooting within the last few hours.

Ban acknowledged the beloved history of mass shopping on the weekend following Thanksgiving, especially the day after, long ago dubbed “Black Friday.”

“Thanksgiving weekend is traditionally America’s great shopping holiday,” said the Secretary General in an interview with AAPP reporter Fran Traztik.

“However,” said Traztik, “we cannot allow this consumerist violence to continue. The human cost to the world is simply too high.”

A small stray terrier in the parking lot of a Costco in Phoenix, Arizona expressed skepticism about possible international military intervention.

“ruff-ruff-ruff, ruff, ruff ruff-ruff,” said the dog, who then panted for a few seconds before adding “Ruff” and then attempting to smell my crotch.