Good Bad Movie Reviews
“Land of Doom”
By: Liz Taylor
In a post apocalyptic world ruled by pseudo-masochistic motorcycle Vikings, two people have the courage to roam around aimlessly in attempt to avoid being raped. Land of Doom stars two “C-grade” actors fueled by enough star power to eventually land a couple of bit parts on a made for USA movie and sexy good looks fit for a Hallmark card. If you like bad boy bikers sporting leather studded body armor, than this will be your ultimate fantasy flick.
Great opening. They really get straight to the point. I love the usage of interior monologue to introduce the story. I haven’t been this inside a character’s head since Chuck Norris in Octagon. Now here’s a director that really knows how to “cut to the chase” and get straight to the action. This movie doesn’t waist anytime getting to know you, it plunges right into the raping and pillaging right off the bat. In that way, coupled with the sexual overtones of the costume design, it reminds me a lot of Mardi Gras.
I’d like to point out, for your viewing pleasure that exactly 6 minutes and 10 seconds into the movie, in the upper left hand corner, a lady does a super lame fall onto a mattress half-heartedly disguised as rubble. I feel that this is the moment that captures the true nature of the film.
The lead protagonist is Harmony, a feminist triumph who roams solo in an attempt to avoid danger, but inevitably, against all odds, ends up kicking ass and taking names every step of the way. The story opens as she is just being run out of her latest haven by the bondage bikers who rape and pillage. She takes refuge in a cave where she meets Anderson, a bleeding dude who looks like a catalogue model.
Anderson has less dimension than the headshot he was chosen from. He is apparently a bad ass by reputation, but you’d never know it because the whole movie he’s moderately fatally injured and goes around acting like a senseless pantywaist. To be honest these two aren’t the toughest pair I’ve ever seen. I mean they’re depicted as these two loner, reluctant-mercenary types, but (aside from Harmony’s occasional triumph over a would be rapist) I’m pretty sure the only two asses these two could kick are Mulder and Skully’s.
Harmony is suspicious of Anderson from the get go, but he pleads that it will be easier for both of them to survive if they travel together. Much to her chagrin, Harmony agrees to allow bleeding injured Anderson, or “The Cripple” as she calls him, to tag along with her as long as he doesn’t slow her down or rape her. Not only does Anderson slow her down, but he nearly gets her raped by a former Viking biker gang member who is sent out to seek revenge on Anderson for abandoning the gang. After Harmony dashes the would-be rapist’s brains out with a rock, she confronts Anderson about his involvement with the gang. He insists it was in an attempt to convince them to rebuild society.
Which leads me to the gang members and their performances. I love the supporting cast in this film. I mean if the lead characters are “C grade” at best, then you can imagine how desperate any of the supporting cast are to get noticed. The bandit who attempts to rape Harmony is a classic example. He has all the sensitivity of a semi-regular community theatre performer - overacting and adding unnecessary and unexplained character quirks, desperately groping for some depth and layer that was never ever there.
I didn’t catch their leader’s name, but if I had to go on appearance I would have to guess that it is Phantom Amadeus Leather Face. What’s with all the pseudo-masochistic eroticism in this gang? Some of the gang members don’t really seem to be that into the whole leather bondage thing, but they’re forced to wear the outfits to remain in the gang; and as we learned from Anderson, in the post apocalypse it’s a great deal harder to survive out there on your own.
According to Land of Doom, motorcycles are the preferred mode of transportation in the future, which makes since; they are fuel-efficient. What gets me tickled is that the over-the-top stylizing of the bikes’ body structure neither plays to utility or functionality making them extremely non-aerodynamic and totally fuel-inefficient. You could probably get one hundred feet to the gallon on one of those titanic lumps of metal.
It would seem that they’ve rationed the rest of their fuel to run their textile plants so that they never run out of leather studded gimp apparel. Let’s be real here, you’d look silly wearing anything else riding around on one of these things, but you have to wonder how practical these garments really are when one considers what’s involved in post apocalyptic mass production and distribution. I find it hard to believe these roving thugs took the time to become expert leather workers. At least Anderson and Harmony are wearing cotton - it’s breathable, you can wash it. However, style does come into question. Harmony could’ve chosen to flee her home in any pair of pants and she chose to head out on her own outfitted in a pair of pleated high-waist khakies with a black upside down triangle placed right on her ass designed, I can only assume, to look like she’s running around with a modest thong on over her trousers. No wonder every man she runs into tries to rape or kill her. This sort of unawareness makes her kind of a perfect fit for a bleeding catalogue model who can manage to wander aimlessly through the wilderness on the lam, but can’t muster the strength to help her fight incoming danger.
If you’re still confused as to what the actual plot of this movie is, don’t worry. You’re not alone. I’ve watched it twice and taken notes and I’m still unsure. After Harmony dashes the Viking bandit’s brains out, she and Anderson steal his motorcycle. As fate would have it, they run out of gas in the middle of nowhere. After being stranded for ten or twenty seconds they see a group of people with plague approaching. They briefly contemplate begging some water off of them, but ultimately remain silent as the diseased huddle passes them by. After which they happen upon a settlement where for some reason all of its inhabitants speak English with a French accent. During their visit to this village they narrowly escape being taken captive after a man who looks like Gary Ullman tries to feed them human stew.
I will warn you, this movie goes absolutely nowhere. There is no paradigm. It just sort of starts with a bang and then suddenly skips to and stays in the first part of the second act and then after a really long and drawn out chase fight, the movie finally ends with an anticlimactic unresolution with no hope of a sequel. Over all this movie was silly enough to be moderately enjoyable depending on how ironic your sense of humor is or how much weed you’ve smoked. This film pairs very well with a fresh sack of indica and sleep deprivation. You could also pair it with a craft project or use it as a “let’s get drunk, laugh at this, break the ice and make out” seduction tool. No matter how you view it or for what reason Land of Doom is so lame it’s unforgettable.