I’m a teenager and I get so frustrated because people think that teenagers are all selfish and mean and obsessed with, like, cyberbullying and apps that will let us send each other pics of our dicks and boobs. Sure, the last part is true, but me and my friend Zake did a nice thing and visited this 80-year-old woman who lives all by herself and guess what? She made us listen to her boring bullshit stories for, like, three fucking hours.
So, ask yourself: who was being selfish there? The teenagers or the lady who is supposed to be from the “greatest generation?”
Like, me and Zake knew this old lady was sad and lonely and shit because sometimes we can hear her crying all alone in her house from this spot in the woods where we like to pre-game before house parties. Looking back I wish that we would have just ignored it and let her cry, but there are all these videos on Facebook of people doing good deeds, like those cops who freaked out that black woman they pulled over and then gave her ice cream, so we were kind of inspired to see if someone would make a video about us.
Anyway, me and Zake show up at this old woman’s door with some pasta salad that was left over from a divorce party my mom threw for one of her friends from work and the old woman starts going totally apeshit in a good way which made us feel really good too. We were probably the first people to come to her house that weren’t driving an ambulance in, like, decades. But I guess she never called 911 about a broken mouth because she started talking to us for, like, ever.
At first she’s going on about how long she’s lived in our town and how much it’s changed. She’s says that everything along Route 7 used to be farmland and that when she was a girl she used to go and pick blueberries there. But that all sounds like it would have totally sucked because they wouldn’t have had the Chipotle that’s there now. Like, where the hell did she get her Mexican food? That, like, totally ghetto place on the way to the mall?
Next, this old lady starts showing us pictures of her husband who passed away, which at first is kinda cute because it’s like that old couple from Up!, but if the guy had died first, but then, she like, won’t shut up about him. He was in some war (Iraq Number One, I guess?), he built this house with own two hands, he was the first mayor to integrate the town’s public schools, blah blah blah. And I’m just like, ew this lady is totally obsessed with a dead guy. She even says that it’s nice to talk about him because it makes it feel like he’s “still around” which is totally creepy and now I bet she, like, keeps his body in a closet like some real “American Horror Story” shit.
And as if this lady hasn’t tortured me and Zake enough, she starts getting into everything that’s wrong with her back and lungs and blood. My whole thing is that you never know what battle someone is secretly fighting, but it’s like this woman thinks she has it so bad, but she has no idea about all the shit Zake’s is going through trying to print our Homecoming t-shirts. She just keeps going on how hard it is to leave the house to go grocery shopping or to her doctors’ appointments and I’m like “we already brought you pasta salad. Now you just sound thirsty.”
But I really reached my limit when this old woman started getting political. She said that she was afraid of Trump because she had seen it all before with Hitler when she was a teenager in Germany and this is the same kind of shit I’ve been un-friending people for because I think this country needs to start coming together instead of being driven apart.
Me and Zake spent show much time trapped in the old lady’s shack that we were 45 minutes late to Michelle’s pool party. We were just trying to be nice to a sad, pathetic old woman, but I guess no good deed goes unpunished. This is probably how those cops who freaked out that black woman then gave her ice-cream must feel.