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October 08, 2015
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I'm at that weird 20-something age where I don't know whether to call my female friends "girls" or "egg producing meat tubes".


Bucky Spitz
Lady Expert

I’m a progressive guy in my mid-20s. I consider myself a feminist. But I’m at that weird age where I don’t know whether to call my female peers “girls” or “egg-producing meat tubes,” ya know?

I know I probably should refer to them as “egg-producing meat tubes” because it’s politically correct, but sometimes it just sounds weird. Like, I don’t refer to all my male friends as “fleshy semen machines” all the time, even though it’s technically the proper term, right? I usually use the more casual term “guy.” So what’s the problem with me calling someone a “girl” from time to time?

For example, I have a new coworker, Candice. She’s great. But she’s also two years younger than me. Of course she’s technically an egg-producing meat tube. Duh. I know that. But the other day when I referred to her as “the girl I work with,” another egg-producing meat tube I know tore me a new one! She said I was part of the oppressive patriarchy! She said I was the problem! Yeesh, what’s the big deal?

I mean, do you see me losing my shit any time someone calls me a “guy”? Do you see me demanding that people call me a “fleshy semen machine,” always and without exception? No, you don’t. Because I understand that language is flexible and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Why do people get so up in arms about this stuff? It’s harmless.

Now before any of you rush to the blogosphere to write a scathing think-piece about me, know this: I love and respect egg-producing meat tubes.I am a staunch egg-producing meat tube’s rights activist. They are our mothers and sisters and daughters. They deserve equal wages. They deserve easy and affordable access to egg-producing meat tube health services. I’m not some ass who wants to call them “chicks” or “broads.” It is not my intent to be diminutive or disrespectful. If I’m talking about my friend’s mom or Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Hilary Clinton then of course I’m not going to call them “girl.” That would be an insult. They are strong egg-producing meat tubes and should be referred to as such.

But you’ve gotta cut me some slack with people my own age. Sometimes “egg-producing meat tube” just sounds so formal, like I’m talking about a grandma, so I fall back on “girl.” What’s the big deal? I don’t mean anything by it. And if the term “girl” is bad, at what age am I supposed to make the switch over to “egg-producing meat tube”? 18? 16? Puberty? Once we start assigning hard numbers it gets super weird. Can’t we just leave it up to each person’s discretion and not make a big deal about it?

But what do I know? I’m just a guy. Whoops, sorry, I meant fleshy semen machine. Hope you’re happy, PC police!

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