Hi there. I am the lead singer of Nickelback Chad Kroeger. Welcome to a new semi-regular advice column “ASK NICKELBACK!”, where you, the fans of Nickelback, get to ask us questions about anything, and the most present name in the Canadian grunge-derivative scene gives you answers. P.S. We have a new album out.
I heard you’re playing a concert in my hometown next month. Say my girlfriend has never heard of Nickelback before, but I want to take her to this. How would I introduce you guys to her? How would you describe your own style of music, and who would you say are your biggest musical influences?
Peter, Music Fan
We’re sort of our own thing.
What advice do you have for any aspiring musicians?
Danny, age 12
If you want to be a musician, you should be one.
Okay, I thought of a better question. Maybe an easier one to process all at once. If you could collaborate with anyone in the world, who would they be?
Peter, Two-Time Writer-In to “Ask Nickelback!”
Probably the other two guys in Nickelback.
How would you go about attaining world peace? Do you think increased U.S. military presence is required in possibly unstable countries such as Syria or Iran, or do you think other global leaders should be left to their own devices to sort out their own country’s conflicts?
Jimmy Carter, Former President, Current Homeowner
Hi, was anybody really clamoring for another Nickelback album? Or a new tour? Let alone a new advice column hosted by you guys? Bye.
Geoffrey, Rational Thinker
Really? I don’t know anybody that is an outspoken fan of you. Has anybody ever come up to you on the street and said, “I really enjoy what you do. I’m a big Nickelback fan, I own all your albums?”
Geoffrey, Sceptical Reader
I got one for you. Which came first ...
Geoffrey, About to One-Up Nickelback
Please don’t interrupt me, Nickelback. That wasn’t what I was going to ask. No, which came first: the “We hate Nickelback because they’re popular” trend or the “Nickelback is popular because we hate them” trend?
Geoffrey, President of the FUN Club (The “F*ck U Nickelback!” Club)
What are you talking about?
I was wondering if you could maybe attempt to properly answer my other questions. I have given you a lot of support for many years now, not to mention my own money. I have defended you quite a bit on online music forums. As your fan, aren’t I entitled to even something that simple in return?
Peter, Third-Time Being a Writer-In to “Ask Nickelback!”
Who is this?
Peter. I’ve already written to you a few times.
Peter, Nickelback’s Sole Remaining Fan, Who They are Currently Doing a Good Job of Alienating
I have to ask, regarding your new album. How is it going to be any different than that album you ran into the ground a decade ago, that was played approximately seventy thousand times a day on the radio to the applause of no one, to the point where literally having a drill applied to one’s skull would be preferable?
Geoffrey, Future Puncher-In-The-Face of Chad Kroeger
I got a haircut.
Chad from Nickelback
Thank you for writing in to “Ask Nickelback!” Unfortunately, we regret to inform you this column has been immediately pulled from syndication and we politely request you dispose of your copy at your earliest convenience. Watch this space next week when the Pet Shop Boys and Pitbull discuss how little they actually know about animal care or small business ownership.