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Published October 20, 2011

 

The following are recently discovered letters between The Littlest Hobo and his illegitimate son, which he allegedly fathered living a sex and drug-filled hobo lifestyle in the 1970s.

 

_____________________________________

Oct 23, 1979

Dearest father,

I've been searching for you for so long!  Mum and I were watching the telly a fortnight ago when we saw a brave German Shepherd parachute into a small town and bring a dying boy an antidote to save his life.  Mum screamed at the telly, "It's him, it's your father!" as well as some other less than complimentary adjectives.  I'm just so happy to finally find you!

Approximately a year and a half ago you had a one nighter with my mum - a beautiful English Setter with long flowing auburn hair.  She says the two of you met in a nearby field just off the Trans-Canada Highway after you heroically chased away some greedy land developers who were intent on turning our beloved town into an 18-hole golf course.  Your passions got the better of you and you spent the rest of the night grinding in our farmhouse making me and your seven other kids.  That's right seven!

Mum says not to bother writing to you because as she put it, "You ain't no damn good", but I just know you want to be part of our lives.  Plus now that you're a big TV star perhaps you can send some money our way as raising eight puppies is a huge burden on our family.

Your devoted son,

Lawrence.

 

________________________________________

 Dec 4, 1979

Hey kiddo,

I remember that sweet-ass English Setter, she smelled of ripe apricots and fresh thistle.  She did this one thing with her hind paws that drove me crazy!  Never mind about that you’re only a kid.

It's quite possible that you’re mine.  I've been traveling town-to-town for years fighting “the man” as well as spreading my seed in the process.  A hell of a lot of seed!  Do I enjoy the company of chicks?  Fuck ya.  But I live the hobo lifestyle for a reason - I don't wanna get tied down.  That includes kids. 

I'm sorry that you wanna father but I wanna drive a sports car - some things in life just ain't gonna happen.  Dogs can't drive cars.  Those are two realities we just have to accept.  That and there ain't no such thing as a female G-Spot. You'll learn about that scam when you're older.

To make it up to you I've included an 8x10 glossy autographed photo of me from season 1 and $100 in cash to help with your bills.  I wish I had more time to write but I’m actually in the middle of saving an elderly blind couple and their paraplegic grandson (who’s a bit of a buzz kill) from a gang of ruthless bootleggers.  Long story.

Keep on truckin’,

TLH

________________________________________

 Jan 12, 1980

Dearest father,

I am saddened by your refusal to accept your responsibilities.  Not only did your last letter not include an 8x10 autographed photo as you promised, but the $100 you sent was in Canadian Tire currency.  And it was only for $1.00.  Real classy.

Your youngest son Gowan has caught a bad case of the mange and requires expensive treatment.  Mum is working her tail off as a sheepherder as well as a guide dog just to put food on the table.  If you cannot provide money then perhaps you can find it in your heart to simply pay us a visit.  You’re a good man and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will do the right thing.  I believe in you father!

Your devoted son,

Lawrence.

 ________________________________________

 July 20, 1982

Dear Mr. Lawrence,

Due to your numerous letters we have been instructed by The Littlest Hobo to send you this cease and desist order.

He would like to communicate to you once again, that he is a hobo who travels willy-nilly wherever the wind’s voice takes him, without a care or responsibility.  Without that he would not be the hobo dog that millions of people love.  Do him a favor and forget that he's your father.    

That being said, The Littlest Hobo hopes you and your family will continue to support his TV career and would like you to know that the first three seasons will be out on VHS for Christmas.  In a final act of good faith he promises to send you a coupon that you can put towards these wonderfully entertaining episodes.

On behalf of The Littlest Hobo,

Wregget, Bester, & Salming Associates

 ________________________________________

Other than the one letter, The Littlest Hobo never made contact with Lawrence or his family again.  Lawrence’s mother never found another mate and spent the rest of her life pimping herself out.  Lawrence’s brother Gowan was eventually cured of his mange, but fell victim to a nasty crystal meth habit that he blamed on his broken home.

Lawrence went on to start the charity “Pups Against Deadbeat Dads” (P.A.D.D) which held annual 5k and 10k fun-runs to raise awareness for celebrity pooches who don’t pay their child support. 

It is rumored that The Littlest Hobo had over one hundred and thirty illegitimate children, something which his estate vehemently denies.

In a sad and fitting endnote to this story, the coupon for the VHS tapes that was promised to Lawrence never arrived.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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