1. FYI Tut
New research has found that when King Tut died at age 19 it was most likely the result of a chariot accident. Researchers believe Tut may have been hieroglyphing while driving.
2. Baaaaaad Guys
Police in England are looking for thieves who stole 160 sheep from the town of Wool. If caught, the thieves will be charged with Grand Theft Irony.
3. More Search Enginey Than Ever Before
Google is testing a new program that tracks you via your smartphone to know which physical stores you're shopping in. Which would explain Google's new slogan: "The NSA of Search Engines."
4. Tour Sponsored by Metamucil
Sting and Paul Simon have announced plans to tour together in 2014. They will alternate who opens and who closes the show based on which one is able to stay awake the latest that night.
5. Chicken Little Vindicated
The European Space Agency has announced that a one ton, 17-foot-long satellite is set to crash to Earth at an unknown location some time between Friday and Monday. Enjoy your weekend!