Obviously, if anyone has seen the 2010 crime thriller ‘The Town’, they would know it’s a shoot-em up double right cross about bad boy bank burglars behaving badly. Also, they would know that although Ben Affleck did manage to direct a pretty solid cast into a pretty solid film, something was missing:
The ‘ism’ that could only be brought by incorporating the cartoon cereal mascots everyone all American kids know from mornings at the breakfast table.
And so, presented for the reader’s pleasure please enjoy:
6 reasons why the film ‘The Town’ should have instead starred famous Cereal Mascots
6. Lower Parental Guide ratings
Having cartoons interacting with human actors always lowers the parental guide warning level, vis a vis such movies as ‘Roger Rabbit’ – It’s as if describing brutal rape and murder loses some threat when accompanied by shrieks of ‘Puh puh puh puh pleeease Eddie!” Another movie came out about the same time as Roger Rabbit. It dealt with many of the same ‘racy’ topics like robberies, alcohol and drug addiction, women with big titties popping out, gunplay, and murder.
Fun fact, that movie was called ‘GoodFellas’ and it definitely didn’t get a PG-13 rating!
5. Type Casting works:
Doug MacRay – Tony the Tiger (ex sport – hockey guy)
James Coughlin – Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Other two robbers (seriously who remembers their names?) – Lucky Charms Leprechaun and Frankenberry
‘Fergie’ Colm, the badass mobster of ‘The Town’. - Captain Crunch. It’s obvious to anyone over six years of age The Captain was out doing some Dread Pirate Roberts style shanghais and executions. This should be obvious considering it’s the only cereal which will cut your mouth if over-eaten.
FBI Agent Adam Frawley – Cookie Crisp Cop (we’ll get to that later)
4. The element of surprise
As we all know the most important aspect of a lighting fast blitzkrieg style robbery is the element of surprise. What’s more surprising than going into a bank to do a deposit and all of a sudden there’s Frankenberry’s Monster and The Lucky Charms leprechaun waving AK-47’s around?
Also to be considered is the robbery/beat down scene. In this scene Ben Affleck’s character (Tony the Tiger) has taken it upon himself to teach the drug dealers who were hassling his girlfriend a little lesson. To do this he recruits his buddy James (Sonny the Cuckoo bird).
In the course of human events, when it becomes necessary to ‘hurt some people, and you can’t ask any questions’ who does someone recruit for such a job? The most insane un-caring bastard you know, that’s who! The guy who is probably already on the run from the cops and most likely owes you money.
When James Coughlin rips off his hockey mask to taunt the hapless drug selling victim, who didn’t want to hear “Get out of ‘The Town’ or I’ll go coo coo for planting you six feet under!”? (And then, presumably Sonny the Cuckoo bird would’ve flown around the room on his tiny brown wings while breaking things and snorting crushed up Co Co Puffs)
3. Obvious product tie ins/ cross merchandising opportunities
Who hasn’t wanted to eat a breakfast of a bowl of on-the-run felons? Crunchy Ak-47’s and little bags of loot which are also vitamin packed? Could be a winner. Let’s not forget the back of the cereal box, a little maze of Boston from which the child can escape the police by switching from one busted up toy car to a queer-looking mini-van which are actually the toys inside the box. Send in five box tops and get your own Nun/Bank Robber dress-up costume (with 3.99 shipping and hanlding)… this thing practically builds itself!!
2. Jon Hamm’s One Dimensional Portrayal of FBI Agent Adam Frawley
Seriously, the way this man acts we wouldn’t have noticed if the same role was filled by the Cookie Crisp’s cop and dog, simultaneously. Stick to making other men mad, sir.
The search which Frawley conducts for the bank robbers was hugely over simplified. Couple of phone records and employee files, boom they’ve got their man. Something like that would take weeks and weeks of trying, possibly a nice montage of cigarette smoking and head-holding in hands. Throw in a good ‘getting yelled at by FBI Superiors’ and a possible drug/alcohol/gambling problem, baby we’ve got a character!! No instead, the whole thing takes about four seconds of movie time and the FBI is back on the case.
Also, the bar scene in which Agent Frawley approaches Krista to become his confidential informant has to be examined. At first, it seemed as if this scene would actually redeem the whole character through his getting-it-on with Blake Lively’s drugged up ‘Krista’. Sadly, true to All-American good guy form, Frawley drops his ruse of being a bad ass after an awkward silence and tells her the truth. Damn it, Hamm, couldn’t you have at least got her a little naked and then dropped the bomb?
No one’s going to be forever young and a little sideboob could’ve totally redeemed Frawley’s existence. Do you really want to be one dimensional forever? Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
1. Let’s face it, Tony the Tiger’s abs are way better than Affleck’s