SUBJECT: Immoral! Shameful! Republicans!
DATE: August 7, 2011
Dear MoveOn.Org Member,
The Republicans are up to their old tricks again. And we’ve had it up to here! They think they have us backed into a corner but they are wrong. We have a secret, tiny door we are standing in front of so they can’t see it and we can run out whenever we want. And that time is now!
According to a New York Times article my friend Leroy told me about, the Republicans are responsible for 93% of what is wrong with this country, including cutting benefits to over 1 billion Americans last month alone. Unbelievable, we say! Also, I heard somewhere that they take more “donations” from big business than twice our entire national debt! They must be stopped.
Can you help with $5 to keep Republicans from driving our country into a telephone poll? Yes, I can donate $5.
Things are going terribly wrong in this nation. To quote a great man, “The rich is getting richer while the poor is getting poorer.” This is our time to stand up and be counted and have our voices heard and fight back and generally get out of this silent, crouched position we’ve been in. With the big vote tomorrow,we need to show Congress we mean business with an Emergency Drop By! Go by your Representative’s office in «YOUR_HOMETOWN» this week and give «REP_DBAG» a piece of your mind. If they aren’t in, leave a number were you can be REACHED!!
Oh hey, can you also give $5 because we are all out of our “G.O.P.Brains” buttons? Yes, I can give $5 for more buttons.
How will we stop Republicans from voting away the American Dream? A traffic jam at Capitol Hill! If you and three friends all stall your cars on Independence Ave. tomorrow at 2pm before the big vote the Republicans won’t be able to get their gas guzzlers to Congress to vote down your freedoms. “Won’t the Democrats also get stuck in said traffic jam?” you ask. Not if I call them all and tell them to take Constitution Ave. instead. Which reminds me:
Can you throw me 5 spot to pay my phone bill and keep the Republicans from ruining this country? Yes, I can throw you a 5 spot for your phone bill.
The Republicans are full of hypocrisy. How can a party be Pro War but Anti Spending? Pro Values yet Anti Numbers? Pro Jesus and Anti Jesús? Pro Guns but Anti Gay Guns? Republicans are playing a dangerous political game with America. And they are really good at that game, while we are still at the, say, the intramural level. But not for long, because we can play dirty too. We are turning up the heat!
Will you chip in $5 to send an improvised explosive to John Boehner’s home? Yes, I can chip in $5 to send John Boehner a “strongly worded letter.”
This is a real crisis moment for us. If the Republicans get their way we will neve— Wait, now my barista is telling me I have to buy something or leave. $5 for a coffee?! You’ve got to be kidding me!
Can you help with $5 to keep this Internet Cafe from curbstomping the First Amendment? Yes, I can help with $5 for a venti cup of freedom.
Looks like I’ve gotta go. Thanks for all you do,
– Daniel umm, Wes?, and let’s say Elena, and errr Peter!, and the rest of the “team.”
PS. If you donate now you will receive a complimentary “The GOP Ran Over My Handicapped Child” tote bag.
(1) “This New York Times article I read,” Leroy Daniels, July 28, 2011.
(2) “That Thing I heard,” I think it was on HuffPost. Or maybe CNN? Last Tuesday-ish.
(3) “Maria, Maria,” Carlos Santana feat. The Product G&B, November 23, 1999.