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Stats & Data

August 04, 2009


Ultimate Fighting Championship, Master’s League Smackdown.

. . . And now fight fans, the championship bout of the evening: a five round smack-down for the championship of the over-80 division. Five rounds of 45-seconds each, with a nap before round three. . . . In the blue trunks, with the truss, weighing in at 98 pounds, at 88 years the oldest and the boldest with a record of 286 and 55 with three draws because of simultaneous incontinence, the champion!  Jerry “Jersey exit nine” Steinmetz! (“Jersey exit nine” comes down the aisle to big band sounds through strob-lit dry ice smoke in a motorized wheelchair.)  . . .And in the red trunks with the depends, 99 pounds and 83 years young, bringing a record of 330 and 75, with 4 draws due to the fight going on past their bedtime, the challenger!   Hank “Fender Bender” Bigglesworth! (Fender Bender arrives similar fashion)

Okay gentlemen you know the rules: no noogies, no nurples, purple or otherwise, no gumming and no whipping your opponent with your scrotum. Otherwise it’s flat out, pace-maker busting action to the max.

Gentlemen, please go to your corners, remove your dentures and open your cans of whup-ass!