Yo. How’s everyone doin? My name’s Lauryn and I’ll be representin JERSEY. I’m Adam McKay’s assistant and part of this cozy Gary Sanchez family. And I got some thoughts on life I wanna share with you all. Word em up.
As I sat stoned off my ass the other night watching The Host of Double Dare explain how they make Junior Mints on “Unwrapped”, I realized that The Food Network is like porn for stoners. Sure it’s cool and kinda exciting to watch, and it looks sooo good, but ultimately you aren’t gonna get to eat any of it. Sure you can pop in a Lean Cuisine and you'll satisfy the hunger, but it's no Bobby Flay...and that’s when you realize how sad you are.
I never thought there could be a person I would simultaneously want to be, but also wanna bang. Then Robert Downey Jr. walked into my life. Listen, I’m not a love struck teenager with Joey Lawrence posters on her bedroom, I’m a 26 year old woman who realizes there is no feasible way for me to end up with this guy. And yet, I can’t stop thinking about how, dreamy he is. There, I said it. He’s a gottdamn dream boat. I mean, look at him?
But while the fact remains that I would love to make a Jr. Jr. for him, and drink coffee on a winter morning by one of those huge picture windows up high in a NYC apt while it’s snowing and we’re in robes because we just had a marathon of lovemaking…I also kinda wanna be him. He’s literally the epitome of cool. He’s got street cred, he went down the drug road, he was in the fuckin big house, but then he’s like, guess what? Watch me bounce back like a mutha fucka. And so it was. He’s the definition of the bad boy with a soft side. I mean he’s IRON MAN… and now he’s going to be playing a white guy playing a black dude in the upcoming comedy “Tropic Thunder.” It’s just too much. On a totally unrelated note, what crosses the legality line and makes someone accountable for “stalking”?
If you think Carlos Mencia is funny, you should probably kill yourself.
The new commercial for Extra gum shows the piece of gum standing up like a slender body and then proceeds to call it the perfect 5 calorie snack. You know what I consider a perfect 5 calorie snack? A bag of tostitos, a bowl of salsa, and side of guacamole. Oh wait, 5 calories? Nothing, cause it DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. I really hope they tag on an eating disorder hotline at the end of those commercials, so after these women nod their heads in agreement of Extra’s claim, they can immediately call the hotline and explain how fucked up they are. Who in their right mind considers gum a snack? Possibly the same people that consider a head of Iceberg lettuce a hearty meal, and those people are called anorexic. Hey, with this line of thinking I got a great pitch for Aquafina, how bout, “Water, it’s what’s for dinner.”
If you have children and after seeing a Sunny D commercial, you think, “I should add that to the grocery list,"... you’re a terrible mother.