Dear Lorne Michaels,
I’m contacting you on behalf of myself and my collaborator Nick Klinger. We’re interested in joining the Saturday Night Live writing staff, and we were told the best way to be considered was to send you a sample of something that might appear on the show. That piece is below. We hope you like it!
John & Nick
[hilarious cold opening sketch, ending with “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”]
[hosts descend stairs together to massive applause]
John Carroll: Thank you!
Nick Klinger: Yes, thank you!
John: Wow! You’re still going!
Nick: Please! Stop! You’re cutting into our hosting time!
[John and Nick laugh, pat each other on back, causing crowd to applaud louder]
John: Let me tell you, it’s an absolute honor to be here tonight with my friend and collaborator, Nick Klinger.
Nick: Right back at you, John.
John: As some of you may know, we’re originally from Philadelphia...
Nick: ...and we’re two WILD and CRAZY guys!
[John and Nick pause, letting laughter wash over the studio]
John: You probably met us through our hit TV series, Fellas & Their Ladies, but I actually know Nick from way back in high school.
Nick: That’s right, John. In fact, a lot of famous people graduated from our high school.
John: It’s too bad none of them could be here tonight, huh Nick?
[Jon Hamm walks on stage, waves to crowd]
John: What a surprise!
Nick: You’re one MAD MAN, Jon.
[crowd laughs, Jon Hamm exits stage right]
John: But seriously folks, it’s time to get down to hosting. I have a few things to get off my chest tonight.
Nick: Like that shirt?
John: No, Nick. I have some THOUGHTS to get off my chest. And there’s no better way to do that ... than through song.
[crowd cheers, lights dim, spotlights on hosts]
NOTE TO WRITING STAFF: Please write a funny song, about 2 minutes in length, that we can perform here. Would prefer something uptempo and melodic. NO HIP HOP. See if The Lonely Island is available to write it.
[background dancers perform during song; blonde, preferably]
[Neil Young appears as guest guitarist]
[crowd gives a standing ovation at end of song]
John: Wow, that was a great song, Nick.
Nick: Indeed it was. And, folks, if you liked it, you can buy it tomorrow morning on iTunes.
John: That’s a first!
Nick: Sure is!
John: We can’t leave this stage without mentioning why we’re here, can we?
Nick: We’re here promoting our new film, Holdin’ It Two-gether, the fourth film in our popularHoldin’ series.
John: You know them well -- Holdin’ It Down, What You Holdin’? and Holdin’ It Together.
Nick: Now HOLD ON, John, we’re not here to promote four movies.
John: We aren’t?
Nick: Nope. We’re promoting Holdin’ It Two-gether, not Holdin’ It Down or What You Holdin’?or Holdin’ It Together.
John: I’ll take your word for it, buddy.
Nick: Anyways, we’d be remiss if we didn’t invite the series star to join us on stage. Jamie Foxx, get your black ass out here!
[Kenan Thompson walks on stage dressed as Jamie Foxx]
Kenan: Hey, I’m Jamie Foxx.
[crowd laughs, Kenan exits stage right]
John: How does that guy not have an Oscar?
Nick: I don’t know, John.
John: We’re starting to get the wrap-up signal, Nick. Anything left you’ve got to say?
Nick: Not at all, John. Just want to dedicate my performance tonight to my girlfriend, Sofia Vergara.
John: How sweet. I better shout-out the ‘ol ball and chain, too, huh?
Nick: Of course. Need to keep things good at home, JC. Isn’t she in the audience tonight?
John: She sure is.
[camera pans to Michelle Obama; crowd cheers]
Nick: All right, we’ve got a great show for you tonight!
John: Pavement is here! Stay tuned! We’ll be right back!