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A new report promoted by the United Nations ranks Switzerland as the happiest country in the world. The World Happiness Report takes into account a wide range of happiness factors, including GDP per capita, healthy life expectancy, freedom to make choices, and generosity. Half of the top 10 spots are taken up by Nordic countries, those cold but happy lil’ devils. Canada is in the top five, and our own United States comes in at an embarrassing 15th.

I don’t know about you guys, but I just don’t get it. What do the Swiss got that we don’t? It’s cold up there and they don’t have access to live NBA Playoff coverage. I did my research and found out a few reasons why the Swiss are happier than the greatest country in the world (mothafuckin’ America):

The Cheese
They take long baths in pools of warm cheese. In America we are so busy with work and family and trying to achieve our dreams that we forget that our body needs to relax and re-energize. Apparently the cheese baths feel nice and aside from a UTI incident here or there, it’s perfectly healthy.

The Blondes
It’s illegal not to be blonde. In America we encourage individuality, which usually manifests itself in people having all different types of hair color even though being a blonde man or a blonde woman is undeniably the best. Try it some time, you’ll get it.

The Legs
“Long and up to here” is what Swiss people say when they go to surgeons to get their ridiculously long giraffe legs. They do this because it’s custom in Switzerland to keep all important things (documents, healthy food, Blu-Ray DVD’s, etc.) on a high shelf where you can feel privileged to get it, and being privileged is something that makes all humans smile. In America we just throw all our good stuff wherever it’s convenient.

Knives
One thing that makes all humans unhappy is clutter. The Swiss Army knives that all Swiss people carry 24/7 have made clutter like tiny scissors, forks, and toothpicks virtually nonexistent in their country. In America, on the other hand, there are actually 42 screwdrivers per capita, the highest rate in the world.

The Winter Olympics
The Swiss are not naturally competitive because competition leads to unhappiness half the time. And since the Winter Olympics is the least competitive Olympics, Switzerland does very well there. America is always so busy trying to be the best at the most frustrating sports like baseball, golf, and track & field.

Life Expectancy
80.4 years for men and 84.7 for women, which, according to this table at least, is the highest in the world. To give you an idea of why a long life expectancy can make a population so happy think about this: When you’re young and having the time of your life, you climb up to a rooftop and yell out, “I’m gonna live forever!” Well, the Swiss are closest to actually achieving that feeling forever. They’re still very far away from living forever, but they are technically the closest.

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