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Published May 13, 2012

from totalfattymove.com

@totalfattymove1

 

A debate rages on where to draw the line between what is technically a sport and what is a hobby (with golf and auto racing fans most adamantly defending their sport and athletes).  As opposed to getting into that quagmire, let’s assume that everything is a sport that has some combination of strength and skill (so NASCAR and golf count, but chess, video games, and babysitting do not).

(ranked from most athletic at #10 to the least athletic at #1)

 Just missed the cut: figure skating (just because you don’t like it doesn't mean it isn't a sport), equestrian (this is tough yo, still a sport even though riding a horse is so 1800’s), and kickball (tons of fun and tons of injuries for 20-somethings playing while drunk).

10. Golf – time to settle this debate . . . athletes get hot chicks and have you seen what Tiger’s ex Elin Nordegren looked like?  How about Amy Mickelson?  (Check out www.athleteswives.com for further "research").

9. NASCAR – this can certainly be classified as easier than it looks, hell, I speed to work every day and you don’t see me winning any trophies.  These guys are essentially driving a bomb at 200 miles per hour about three inches from some other hillbilly driving a bomb, no wonder they sweat more than an NBA player.  One question: how do they pee during a 3+ hour race?  That is a sport onto itself.

8. Bowling – bowlers hurl a 15-20 pound ball like a hundred times a match.  I did Wii bowling and my arm hurt afterwards.  Bowling’s prestige takes a beating because you can be a fat slob and be a professional.  Kudos to The Big Lebowski for bringing a new generation to the sport, seriously they should put the movie in the Bowling Hall of Fame.

7. Table Tennis (ping pong) – hate to go with two movie references in a row, but Forrest Gump showed me that you can fight communism by smacking the hell out of a tiny white ball.  Ping pong has been driven away from bars by beer pong (Beirut is a stupid name), so now nobody cares enough to argue its merits.

6. Croquet – a rich, old guy sport probably isn't that well known (you smack a wooden ball through a wicket in the ground with a big wooden mallet)  it’s an enjoyable pursuit if your country club has a regulation croquet diamond.  Oh, your country club doesn't offer croquet . . . that’s weird, but where will your children learn to be pretentious douchebags?

5. Shooting – this is where we get really close to the sport vs. not-a-sport line, I’ll give these marksmen a shot (get it!??!  It’ a pun!!) at stating their case here.  You do not need a tremendous amount of physical strength to pull a trigger, but you need to aim at something far away, so that’s tough, right?  Whatever, they have their own show on the History Channel . . .

4. Bocce Ball –imagine you live in a world where croquet is too hard to organize and play, imagine a sport where striking a ball is deemed too strenuous, imagine a world where you can smoke a cigar, drink a Bellini and still compete in this sport. . . you don’t have to imagine anymore that sport is bocce ball and that world is Italy (complete with an aging workforce, a stagnant economy, and an entitled populace . . . . oops).

3. Darts & Billiards – I am going to group these two together for the sole reason that they are bar games.  At some level, there are probably darts and billiards competitions, but these games are almost custom made for dive bars and drunk people.  While these two are barely sport-worthy, the fist fights caused from drunken disputes certainly are.

2. Funny Car Driving (drag racing) – founder of Funny Car racing: “gee whiz, that there race car driving is fun, but wouldn't it be more funner if we got rid of all dem turns?  Oh yea, the race should only be about 10 seconds long too, I got shit to do later.  Now where’s my hot sister at?”  I feel like mastering the start of MarioKart 64 is tougher than pounding the gas pedal and shifting gears a couple of times.

1. Curling – for the layman, curling is a sport where you gently slide a large stone on a piece of ice while your teammates happily brush ice particles at it or away from the path or something like that.  Look, I am sure it took a lot of loop holes and bribes to make this into another event where Americans run up the medal count, but don’t try to convince me that curling club from Bemidji, MN are athletes.

Total Fatty Move

totalfattymove.com

@totalfattymove1

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