Full Credits

Stats & Data

February 16, 2010


1.  Skip the fancy burger place, and make your own.  Why pay all that cash, when Farmer Jerry has a turkey farm right next door?  Sneak over, slaughter a turkey, pack the entrails into patty's, grill it up and VIOLA, you're in burger heaven.  Sure it's not going to beat McDonalds, but it's going to save you some money in the long run.  And you can use that money to buy drugs.

2.  Burn down your neighborhood gym, then join the volunteer organization that builds it back up again.  They will probably give you a free month's membership when it is completed, and in the meantime; construction work is excersise!  Plus the money you save on a gym membership can be used to buy more drugs.

3.  Sneak into a museum and steal the coins out of fountain.  Choose one of the side doors of the museum, as these have the oldest fire-alarm buzzers installed in the 1980's.  Skip the fancy expensive stuff and just steal all the coins from the fountain.  The cops will laugh at the museum security guards for not catching a wet-coin theif.  Your dealer may insist that you roll the coins up, but it's worth a little extra-time to get those drugs.

4.  Have a russian roulette night.  Make sure you stop after the first game.  Allow everyone the chance to sign a will donating all their possessions to the other participants before you begin.  Then you can use the loser's life-insurance to buy drugs.

5.  Video tape R-rated television shows on HULU and burn them to dvds that you can sell to elementary school kids.  Fifth graders are going to love Weeds and learning what a "masterbating bum" is from It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia.  Plus, who can blame you from taking a child's money and using it to buy drugs?

6.  Begin the subtle art of garage-sale theft.  Make sure you pick things the sale people will never think of eyeing, like old jeans and sweaters.  Use these items to make crappy looking picture frames or book covers, then sell them to local art-shops that are desperate for new crap in these harsh economic times.  Make sure you share some of the drugs you buy with the poor artists.

7.  Head to a well-trafficked area - like the mall, or the park - find a comfy spot and make snuff films revolving around your "voyueristic sock-puppet Rupholpho".  Sell these films online to European web-channels that are desperate for foriegn influences.  Use your Euros to import Absynthe, you know, the real kind…

8.   Have a "man-hunt" at the local playground, invite all the neighborhood college-grads who haven't found jobs, and begin the game at six as the sun is setting.  Then run around the neighborhood with your fellow participants "looking" for a made-up "fake-criminal".  Steal all the hubcaps you can before the cops are called.  There will be too many suspects for the cops to drag everyone in for questioning.  Hubcaps can also be traded for drugs.  

9.  Take your dog for a long walk.  Dogs are good diversions when you are stealing wallets out of old ladies' purses.  Make sure you check for drugs in the purses too, old ladies have drugs.

10.  And of course, if you really feel strapped for cash, the best place to rip off the nice-people of the world, is on the prairie path.  Plus if you're lucky, there will be someone else on the trail selling drugs.