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June 28, 2017
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Is there going to be anyone left for Rachel to date by the end of the season?

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If there’s one thing “The Bachelor” franchise knows how to do, it’s to make us think one thing from their promos only to deliver something completely different when we get to see the episode. What a metaphor for dating and marriage.

I thought we were going to get a fistfight. That doesn’t happen (spoiler) but several men go down this episode that we didn’t expect (another spoiler [I should probably write (spoiler) before the spoiler, shouldn’t I? ]


1) Oh My God, Snake

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[CENSORED]

Kenny comes back from his spirit quest in the woods and has some bleeps for Lee. He does an absurd amount of swearing here, what feels like 45 seconds of blurred mouth and censored noises. Lee says he never told Rachel a story about Kenny pulling him from a van. So Lee’s just straight up insane. Snake venom rots your brain!

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“Kenny, wake up!”

Judge Rachel returns with her final ruling: Lee goes home BUT! Kenny doesn’t get the rose either. Rachel wants to learn a little more about him.

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“My boots look great in these bootcut jeans.”

They leave Lee and his whiskey by the lake but Kenny can’t let it go. He goes back to lecture Lee. Rachel, she is not happy about this.

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“I chose you, Pikachu. Don’t go back and beat Bulbasaur’s ass.”

Kenny and Rachel finally take off, abandoning Lee to either find his way back to civilization or become king of the woodsneks.

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Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

If you saw the footage of Kenny’s eye that they played every ten seconds last episode and said “that’s definitely not from Lee” then you just won a hundred Bachelorette Bucks.

2) King Me

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TFW the racist goes home

The men are in the hotel guessing at who is coming back when the bellhop takes Lee’s suitcase and throws it in the trash (I assume). Everyone is happy about this.

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“It was the last time I was going to get to see a talking snake. I had to ask it about my future.”

Kenny and Rachel meet up in her hotel room and she wants to know why Kenny couldn’t just leave well enough alone earlier. Kenny is a verbal guy. He needs to let his feelings out and at that moment he had a whole lot of feelings. They hash it out and Rachel gives Kenny the rose as the background music tells us to feel good.

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Peek a boo

Kenny tells his daughter what went down and he cries. Again.

3) Rose Ceremony, Pt. 1

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Hi ho, hi ho, I hope I get a rose

Everything is up in the air as the guys worry about who’s going to get cut. Rachel doesn’t help when she reminds them all that if they’re eliminated it’s she couldn’t possibly ever see them as her husband.

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“Those of you that didn’t get a rose, LEAVE. NOW.”

We get to the final rose and as expected Chris Harrison apparates by Rachel’s side. It goes to…Matt, which leaves Anthony and Josiah out in the cold.

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“Wait, I was supposed to win, didn’t you see any of my talking head interviews?”

Josiah is shocked - SHOCKED, he tell you - that he was cut. “Woman, you have some poor judgement,” he says. Well, looks like Rachel made the right call there.

Anthony says nothing, really. His exit is as plain yogurt as his time on the show.

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Mumble mumble mumble

4) Something Rotten In Denmark

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“Americans have no idea where these countries are, Paul. Make a goddamn graphic!”

Rachel tells us it’s time to get serious about these men which means we’re headed to Copenhagen. Home of the inspiration for “Hamlet” and snuff.

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UGH.

A date card shows up and Eric gets the one-on-one. The pun is…bad. A for effort, E for actually following through with it. (We hear this pun about 18 more times in this episode too. Stop trying to make “Fetch” happen, “The Bachelorette.”)

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Boat drunk.

Eric and Rachel hop a boat to see all there is to see in the city. Eric reveals he wants to have ten kids. On a personal trainer’s salary? Now I see why he’s trying to get with a lawyer.

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Say hello to my to my little friend!

Rachel and Eric enjoy some outdoor hot tub action and a weird old man flashes his wang at them. How romantic.

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**WOLF HOWL**

Eric calls out that this was the best date ever. Was it the hot tub with Rachel or the old dude’s wang? Hard to say.

5) Date Card

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“That fern looks cool”

A new date card appears at the hotel and it’s a group date. Will is the odd man out, which means he gets a one-on-one. Kenny is frustrated but at least he doesn’t cry. He’s an ugly crier.

6) I Wanna Know What Love Is

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Perv, a rejected character from “Cars 3.”

Eric and Rachel visit an amusement park to ment their muses. They have dinner and Eric opens up about his past. He admits that he’s never really been in love but that what he feels here is special.

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“Toss it in the air and I’ll catch it in my mouth.”

Rachel decides that Eric has passed her tests and offers him the date rose.

7) Vikin’ Around

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When she said we were in for a paddling this isn’t what we had in mind.

The group date happens and it’s…Viking themed. Wonder if Peter is having problems with this as a Packers fan?

Rachel’s slaves row the boat to what looks like the saddest Renaissance Faire in history.

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Didn’t realize we were watching The Biggest Loser.

Here we meet Tom and Morton, doing their best Werner Herzog impressions. They are listed as “Viking Fighting Instructors.” Not Vikings who are fight instructors, but instructors who teach you how to fight like a Viking. Great, let’s learn a skill that’s been outdated for 3,000 years.

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Ew smell my fingers. Where has this stick been?

They play a game of “Grease Stick” which is actually dumber than it sounds. Vikings were stupid.

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Kenny and Adam fight for the right to wear regular clothes again.

Kenny and Adam square off in the circle with swords and shields, like Sumo wrestling. Kenny takes out Adam but they both come up with gashes over their eyes…wait.

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Wink if you’re horny

THAT FOOTAGE OF KENNY’S INJURED EYE WAS FROM THIS GROUP DATE? They zoomed in on the footage so we wouldn’t see that Kenny was wearing a leather condom on his head.

The producers hung an entire episode of the show on this Kenny eye injury, implying it came from Lee, only for it to happen in a country that Lee wasn’t even in at the time. That’s like adopting a dog, getting pictures from the Humane Society of that dog, going to pick it up and surprise! You actually adopted a sloth.

Classic Bach and Switch.

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New wrestling gimmick

Anyhow, Kenny King is awarded the title of Viking King. Kingkingkingking.

8) One on One on One on One…

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“Let me unhinge my jaw first.”

Bryan talks to Rachel like they just had sex. He still kisses like a snake trying to swallow an egg though.

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“I wonder what she sounds like…”

Eric and Will ruminate about what it would be like to actually date Rachel. Probably like this show except less cameras and more boring locations. “This week Rachel and I are headed off to…Home Depot.”

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You just got mused!

Peter calls Rachel his muse. Actually Rachel tells him she is and he agrees. See? She mused him into agreeing with her.

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“But enough about us, let’s talk about everyone else.”

Matt tells Rachel he thinks Kenny is struggling emotionally. Cool, dude. That’s definitely your place to say something.

9) Ken We Talk About Us?

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“Hold on, the acid is kicking innnnnn”

Kenny admits he’s not 100% on where he and Rachel stand. They keep talking about whether or not they are “all in.” Dude, you dropped your life and flew across the world with this girl. You’re all in. Regardless, Rachel agrees and tells Kenny he should go home. They cry it out and he jumps in the van.

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Sorry we weren’t 100% all in 100%, or whatever

So all that drama from last episode, which felt like it would build to something greater, only for Kenny to bounce almost immediately after Lee. That’s making the playoffs and then resigning before they start. I feel cheated. Or bummed. I was rooting for Kenny.

This episode is a bloodbath. Four guys sent home and there’s still 40 minutes left.

10) F*ckin’ A Right, Peter Man

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“Do I have anything in my teeth?”

Peter gets the group date rose and all the men pretend like they’re happy for him.

11) Swedehearts

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“Look, it’s the skraddagar, and over there, a kjellenfjord! Wooooooow”

Will and Rachel meet up for their date - they’re headed to Helsingborg, Sweden.

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Hey, you really sticked that stick. You’re the top sticker!

The pair play another weird European “sport,” this time something that looks like it’s called “Throw Sticks At Other Sticks.” You win by not playing the game. Everyone lost.

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“What if you just kissed me right now?” “Haha yeah, what if? Hey look at that boat!”

Rachel is having fun but thinks Will is still being closed off. She’s waiting for him to jump her bones and he’s busy looking at Sweden.

12) Will He Or Won’t He

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Who ordered the jar of vegetables?

Back in Copenhagen Will and Rachel have their required empty room dinner. Will wants to talk about the cool stuff he saw in Sweden and Rachel wants more than just fun.

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Dean and Adam: Racial Experts

Back at the hotel Eric talks to Dean and Peter about Will’s predilection towards white women. When talking about race issues it’s always important to get the opinion of white men in their twenties.

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Just shut up and gimme that damn rose

Will wants to be in love and talks about how he loves getting physical with women, and it bothers Rachel that he hasn’t done that with her. Maybe it’s because there weren’t cameras up their asses every second of the day? Kinda hard to cop a feel when a union cameraman is scratching his balls and checking audio playback. JK this is reality TV they’d never hire union.

Rachel holds up the rose while she talks and Will scrambles to find whatever words it would take to get the rose from her. Ultimately she doesn’t give him the rose and Will heads home. FIVE MEN DOWN. At this rate Rachel won’t have anyone left to date by the end of the episode.

13) Rose Ceremony, Pt. 2

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When you want to break some hearts but can only choose one

Holy shit we’re gonna eliminate another guy. Rachel has tasted blood and demands more!

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“Pick me, Rachel. Let’s run away together.”

Chris Harrison meets Rachel at the front door and waits for his opportunity to pop in and tell another guy to go eff himself.

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“I can’t decide which of them is the worst because they’re all bad!”

Before that can happen, though, Rachel gets choked up and walks out of the ceremony. After a minute she comes back and says the next goodbye is going to be the hardest.
One rose left and Chris Harrison appears from a cloud of smoke to remind the men that if they don’t get a rose they have five minutes to leave before he unleashes the hounds on them.

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Rose before bros

Rachel gives the rose to…Adam. This leaves Alex a moment to say his goodbyes. Rachel walks him outside and he’s a pretty good sport about it all. It’s just that she doesn’t feel feelings as deep for him as she does for everyone else. The editing of this show confuses me. Have Adam or Matt been in a room alone with her for more than five minutes?

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Six men went home tonight. SIX. This episode was the European Execution Event. Imagine getting dumped, then imagine getting dumped in Europe, half a world away from home. Brutal. But hey, when you’re playing for that final rose that’s just the way the petals fall.

Wonder how Lee is holding up all alone by that cold ass lake?

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Eh, he’ll be fine. Snakes are cold blooded.

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