An open letter to Tinder Dudes everywhere,
And, I do mean dudes.
This is not for the guys on Tinder who have gone through a painful divorce and are now launched into the Russian roulette of online dating. Nor is it for the nerdy nineteen-year-olds bravely trying their inexperienced hand at landing a match.
This is for the twenty-something, frat house loving, bros of the world who just want to match with a hot chick and bang it out.
Hey dudes.Untangle that hand from your underwear elastic for a minute and scroll down if you dare.
Oh, and don’t worry, this is not some woman-splaining, letter of shame. Think of it like a self help guide. A way to give you a leg up on the Tinder competition and get some self-respecting, fine-looking lady into the backseat of your souped-up Prius.
So, with that in mind, the main topic of today is the all important profile pic.
Aka, what truly separates the guy she’ll drunkenly Tinder message for a booty call from the pile of SWIPE LEFT losers she’s already left for dead.
I know what you’re thinking, “Whoa, that’s for ser’ harsh. What about the ‘About Me’ section? Women are sensitive and shiiiiiit, they care about who we really are as people.”
I’m here to tell you, they don’t. We don’t!
If we see a photo we like, we write your ‘About’ section for you. Like, “Damn he looks so smart and sensitive, I bet he’s like crazy successful even though this says he’s self-employed.” Or, “The only info on his profile is his Instagram handle, but he probably didn’t write anything because he’s too busy with charity work and building homes with his bare hands…”
It’s called a PROFILE pic for a reason! As in, we profile you quick AF.
But never fear dudes of the world, the following tips will upgrade you from solo-swiping-right to some real-life-lady-love.
Let’s break down the DON'TS of a Tinder profile pic (maybe pause Rickand Morty for this one, there’s a lot to learn).
1. No knit hats. Period. Especially guys who live in LA (take it from a Canadian, it’s never winter here). It doesn’t make us think, “oooh he’s so laid back and sensitive under all that cotton-woolblend.” It makes you a suspect. We suspect you. We wonder what’s going on under there. Are you going bald? Do you never wash your hair because you don’t have a real job? Are you hiding a lobotomy scar ala One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Don’t underestimate a woman’s ability to imagine the worst. Hat’s off!
2. The shirtless selfie. Oh ma gaw.Extra fail if you took that selfie in the gym locker room mirror. “But Michelle, I’ve sacrificed for these abs.” I know I know, you totally cut back from ten beers a day to eight and busted many a capillary grunting it out at the gym. Totes get you dude. BUT keep that shit as a surprise! A guy so self-absorbed that he’ll post his baby smooth skin for all to see is a liability. We wonder if you’re going to be into us as much as you’re into you! Like, are you going to be the guy who locks eyes with HIMSELF in the mirror during sex and slow thrusts it out? (don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about). Let me put it to you another way, those shirtless pics give too damn much away. Make a girl feel special. Keep your top on. Let her know those pecks don’t flop out for any old Tinder Match.
3. Group guy photos. Danger! Nine times out of ten we see the group shot and immediately go, “Yaaas, he’s cute, damn I could hit that.” But then when we swipe to your next pic we discover the guy we thought was you is actually one of your bro’s. And guess what? He’s totally hotter than you! That’s an instant swipe left. Or if we DO swipe right it’s because we’re hoping your friend is single and when you introduce him to us eventually we’ll totally tap that.
4. Pictures with Celebrities (the most desperate of group photos). I’m going to make this point in the form of a question, ruminate if you will: What girl sees a fan photo of you forcing Cuba Gooding Jr to smile with you and thinks, “Mmmmm, that less successful guy next to Cuba is the one for me.” We know you’re not friends. If my life included Cuba and I grabbing afternoon margaritas on the reg, I don’t need him in my profile pic. Ya feel me?
5. The ‘I’m not an asshole series’. Examples include, pictures with your grandma, pictures with newborn babies, pictures of you kissing your dog with tongue… It’s too much! We get worried! We wonder why you need to prove you like your grandmother. Shouldn’t we all like our grandmothers? What bodies are in your basement??!
6. The overly athletic pic (or the humble brag version of shirtless selfie). I’m talking about pictures of you doing pull ups, double fisting protein shakes, scaling a climbing wall with two fingers. Hot tip boys, girls be lazy. If she thinks you are going to make her drink that nasty ass protein shake and then, full-bellied, climb up a damn wall, she’s OUT. She wants you to feed her pasta and wine, pay for valet so she doesn’t have to walk too far, and not judge her for eating two bowls of ice cream when you get home later.
7. The ‘I have stuff’ series. These pics mystify me the most. You know, the pictures that are full of expensive items and don’t have a single human being in them. Ferrari’s,pools, helicopters, your man-jewellery you meticulously displayed on a pillow, anything to prove you’ve got money.On a good day they make me laugh and on a bad day they make me weep for how minuscule your dick must be for posting them. Like yes, ladies can be superficial AF. I like nice things! But your pool ain’t gonna swing this deal. It’s not the summer of 1994, I’m not five, and your name’s not Becky, okay?
So, in closing, keep it simple dudes of Tinder. Keep your hat off and your shirt on, smile (in a non-creepy way), look deep into the camera and think, “I’m a nice guy, I will open doors for you, make you laugh, and F*** the shit out of you if you give me permission.”
These tips are shared with love and hope for your dating future. I believe in you dudes. Go get’em.