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September 27, 2009


The Mighty Sea Captain Awards.

My personal favorite quotes.



Captain #1, Fred McMurder: My Mighty Sea Captain exposes his genitalia, which has been horribly scarred from sun, salt water, & untold trysts with sirens & dirty, dirty mermaids.


Grotesque and set the tone for things to come. Very nice.

My Mighty Sea Captain sends out a dinghy…and in return drops off the gayest sailor known to man. Your mighty sea captain eagerly picks up this sailor for an all inclusive gangbang...the gay sailor infects your entire crew with AIDS.

Offhand dismissal of a grievous yet out of favor world pandemic that if left unchecked could decimate the world’s population.  Me likey.

Captain #2 sets loose his magic parrot, "Dr. Beak," who cures the crew of AIDS

Not only is the parrot magical, but also a doctor. It’s studied, at possibly the worlds premiere universities, and as such has found a solution to the ills of the world.  Yet he has become so disaffected in the process as to not make this solution public.  Ann Rand just crapped her pants in the grave.


My mighty sea captain takes a dump, and puts a vest on the trud. This is no ordinary turd, since it came from my mighty sea captain. In fact, the turd so impresses the rest of the crew with it’s repair of the mainstays, that it is immediately promoted to first mate.


Though slightly reminiscent of Mr Hankey, I was proud of my creation, and sad at his untimely demise.



Captain#2 My Mighty Sea Captain "Barnacle Balls McDryhole"


Great Mighty Sea Captain Name.  I’d like the McDryhole with cheese, and a side of sea fries.



Admiral Fred McMurder then mans the dreaded All-Purpose Cannon, & begins firing a blazing, deafening barrage of canisters filled with Celine Dion eggs, covering your ship in shmootz & rendering your crew weepy & sackless.


Modest Mouse or any other generic indy rock band would’ve worked as well, but Celine was a good choice.  



Captain #2 Seeing the destruction aboard his beautiful ship, the "Tampax Pearl"


Best ship name ever.  If I ever become a captain of industry, and require a mighty sea vessel to close business deals, I hereby vow to give it that name.



Admiral McMurder then takes a nap.
When he wakes up, he texts Gary Busey that Captain Barnacle Balls called him a pussy. He falls for it, & swims out to McDryhole's ship fueled on cocaine & horse tranquilizers (that's how he got Busey's #, in one of those horse tranquilizer chat rooms) & beats the shit out of him. Seventeen times over the course of 4 hours


Horse Tranqilizer chat rooms, you know they’re out there.  Seventeen times, probably the funniest number of beatings imaginable.



In a moment of blind rage, he gnaws through said nutbag of Captain #2, who is now made a castrate reminiscent of Barry Gibb his twig and berries left a lonely twig


Wow. I’ve heard of going for the jugular, but wow. 



he savagely teabags Captain#1's earlobes and nasal cavity rendering him unrecognizable to his crew who in desperation drown & flush themselves in the ships latrines which have not been cleaned since last thursday's curry nite and pub quiz.


Hey, long sea voyages get boaring.  They’ve been waiting for curry and quiz night all week, wondering if Fredrico will once again dominate the quiz with his vast knowledge of animal husbandry.


Swooping in on a swoopty swoop my captain convinces all your crew and your captain that for a small investment of all your treasure, your boat and your wives you will get a 400% return on your investment


Swooping in on a swoopty swoop.  I derive immeasurable joy at this phrase.



Later that night, when Muffintop and his vile crew were sleeping, My Mighty Sea Captain Zeta-Jones bribed an Onstar operator to remote start Muffintops ship, put it in drive and send it hurtling towards the EDGE OF THE WORRRRRRRLD!!!!!


What was the OnStar operator bribed with?  How would a satellite based service believe in the edge of the world?  Quick answer: that’s ultra orthodox Christianity.



My Mighty Muffintop crept on board and tied all their shoelaces together. It didn't advance his cause much but in the morning peering thru his spyglass he laughed his ass off.


Cheap shot buttermilk, laugh your silly laughs while you can!  Because My Mighty Sea Captain is calling “Your Mother”!



The crew is ordered to verbally heckle as the ship goes down by using a Mark Wahlberg Boston accent. Cries of "say hello to ya motha fowah me"


That Mark Wahlberg is so polite.



the liberty he had taken, was to implant a memory into the mermaids mind, a memory of a date with a certain Captain Enema Bag Jones, a date that had ended with a promise of a phone call to be made on Tuesday. Oh, and he also made the mermaid think it was Friday. When Captain Enama Bag Jones winked at the mermaid, she looked at him kinda sideways and cried "You said you were gonna call me on Tuesday and you didn't! I waited by the phone for six hours! You never called! Is it because you think I'm fat? It is, isn't it!!!! You're embarrassed to be seen with me, aren't you!!!! I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry! she wailed.....YOU BASTARD!!!!! and with one mighty swing of her.....her.....well, fat tail she swatted him and sent him careening off the mast and into the dark and rainswollen clouds above. With a percing cry of "I'M GOING HOME TO MY MOTHER! over the side and back into the briny deep she went, taking her posse of nasty, wretched BFF mermaids with her


This is funny because my mighty sea captain really loved that mermaid.  She was gonna be the one.  He still writes poems about her, and falls asleep crying into his pillowcase.  The picture in his wallet is stained, the kinda stains that don’t wash off.  


When I introduced (inspired by Trident) horrible horrible obese mermaids, I thought I’d introduced a concept too inconvenient for the progressive sensibilities of  FoD.  How wrong I was.  So I’m giving the contest to MadAdam.


New My Mighty Sea Captain in a few weeks.


Best And Mighty Regards, mellowpuma.