Johnathon Football here, aka the Money Badger, aka Johnny Autograph, aka Johnny Rehab. Hell, this list could go on and on (I got nicknames 4 dayz, bitches! WOOO-HAAA! GET CHU SUM!) but I’m not here to talk about all my bawse ass aliases, I’m here to address a very serious incident from last week.
Maybe you heard, maybe not. I mean this did happen in Cleveland fucking Ohio for fuck’s sake. The only place that calls Dr. Pepper “pop.” Land of the lame, home of the bored. Anyway, last Monday me and my smoke show of a girlfriend (TCU class of ’16!) were on the side of the road when some NARC (probably a Longhorn. SUCK IT, LONGHORNS!) called the cops to say we were arguing. When the cops showed up my girlfriend told officers I “hit her a few times.” And according to her I may have “shoved her face up against the car window.“
Damn, those are some serious allegations! Especially from a Horned Frog! I thought the only thing a TCU alumnus could claim was an inferior education! BURN!
But seriously, I know this has some people wondering if Johnny Manziel has a problem with alcohol … again. That lengthy stint in rehab didn’t take. Look, haters, for once and for all let me clarify exactly what’s going on with ya boy.
I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just a piece of shit.
That’s right, I, Johnny Manziel, am a lowlife, entitled, god awful, horrendous waste of human space who deserves nothing but shame, pain, and possible imprisonment if this allegation proves correct.
You feel me?
Let me put this so even an Alabama graduate can understand: I am a bad person. I don’t deserve to be in the NFL, let alone any position of leadership. I entered this world as a privileged, spoiled, loathsome spec of shit and have grown larger and larger into the gigantic turd you see before you now.
Any further questions, dorks?
Newsflash, homies: I’m the dude who *allegedly* had a flat fee for his Johnny Hancock while still in college! I’m that pathetic douchebag who flashed money signs after every big play on the field! I’m the piece of shit who said he couldn’t wait to leave school after a parking ticket!
Look, it’s way too easy to assume alcohol played a role in this incident. I’m asking that you don’t jump to such an easy conclusion without considering that I’m also a monumental piece of shit. Only God can judge me. And he does as the lump of excrement that I am. Which is why I’m in Cleveland Ohio and losing my starting job to Josh FUCKING McCown.
Does that clear everything up, retards? Now, excuse me, I gotta pound this Miller Lite, hit the golf course, attack a fan, and see if I can get Johnny POS trademarked before the end of the day.