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May 26, 2015

Ever wanted to drink coffee in the office instead of spend at least $3 a day buying a cup of joe? Embarrassed by making it this far in life and not knowing how to use the office coffee machine? I was like you once. Then I learned. Here are some simple steps to get you that great coffee and caffeine fix you deserve!


Step 1: Locate Machine

In the case of our office, we have a top-of-the-line office brew machine brought to us by the fine people at Daiohs firstCHOICE Coffee Services; I’ve nicknamed ours ‘Greg’, for obvious reasons. Daiohs strives to be the premier supplier for office coffee services to businesses. If you ever have a less than satisfactory experience, definitely reach out to them directly. If that doesn’t work, you can always come to me. I’m here for you also. Especially in these early days.


Step 2: Turn Machine On

Greg’s not doing ANYTHING until he’s turned on. So go ahead and click the “power” button. In response, Greg will light up and be ready. He’s officially been turned on.


Step 3: Confirm He’s Turned On

Greg’s no silent sufferer. If he’s not turned on and ready to party, he’ll let you know. For the avoidance of doubt, there’s a green button that reads “ready"to confirm you’ve successfully turned him on and that he’s "ready”.


Step 4: Locate The Coffee, Measuring Cup, And Coffee Holder

*Note to self* search for the technical name for the coffee holder find out and replace this step’s description to appear more professional.


Step 5: Pour Coffee Into Measuring Cup

Fill to the brim. Less if you want to mess with people later in the day who want strong coffee. More if you want to mess with people later in the day who want not strong coffee.


Step 6: Locate Filters

Locate filters and put one in the coffee holder.


Step 7: Transfer Coffee To Filter

Move the coffee contents from measuring cup into the filter you just put into the coffee holder in previous step.


Step 8: Put Coffee Holder Into Greg

Coffee in filter, filter in coffee holder, place coffee holder into Greg. This is his favorite part I’m pretty sure.


Step 9: Place Thermal Coffee Dispenser Into Machine

Greg’s least favorite part because it’s just so big, but this step is crucial and needs to happen. Place the thermal coffee dispenser into Greg. This should go without saying, but make sure the thermal coffee dispenser is open prior to placing in Greg. Otherwise, it really won’t fit. And I mean really won’t fit.


Step 10: Click “Brew Start”

The f*ck you waiting for?! Do it.


Step 11: Place Gizmo Into Thermal Coffee Dispenser

Once Greg has finished brewing (typically about 3 min), you’ll see there’s no longer a stream of coffee pouring into the thermal coffee dispenser. There is literally no other way to know Greg has finished. No lights. No noises. No nothing. It’s all a visual thing now. Place the weird thing in the above picture into the thermal coffee dispenser. If you know a Spencer, send him a quick text with a good diss. Diss Spencer. It’s up to you if you want to explain why you sent him that text.


Step 12: Prepare The Thermal Coffee Dispenser

Close the lid (the one that you previously ensured was open in Step 9). Flip up the metal thing until it locks in place; you’ll see. I typically use my left index finger to do this. You can lift it however you feel appropriate.


Step 13: Fill Up!

Push down on thermal coffee dispenser into a glass that’s been filled with ice-cubes. I suggest even lifting the glass up closer to the nozzle to avoid making a mess.


Step 14: Enjoy

Mix with milk, half and half, sugar, whatever. This part really is all about you and your personal choices. There should likely be some steps to cleaning and turning off the machine, but so far I’ve done neither ever and Greg’s always clean and ready to go each morning. Not sure how considering my mom lives all the way in Sacramento, but it’s great.

Alternatively, you can use Ikea’s super simple instructions:

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