Wayne Enterprises held its annual corporate outing at Gotham State Park this past Sunday. Employees as well as their friends and family were invited to spend the day competing in fun-filled sporting events for prizes and ribbons. While everyone seemed to enjoy the lighthearted get-together, the big surprise came when Chairman and CEO Bruce Wayne penciled himself in for the day’s activities and proceeded to dominate every event in rapid succession.
“I was quite surprised,” remarked Henry Levinne, Director of Corporate Relations. “I’ve been here for twenty-three years and I have never seen Mr. Wayne attend a single company retreat. In fact the only time I’ve ever seen him in person is when he almost ran over my foot riding a golden Segway at the Christmas party last year.”
The event was also unusual because the rules for the outing clearly state that each participant must be placed on a team of eight for the day’s events yet Mr. Wayne insisted on competing by himself. Despite being outmanned, the billionaire philanthropist went on to win every single event, often shattering previous years’ records by absurdly large margins.
“I was amazed by how strong he was!” marveled Selina Kyle, who refused to reveal her position with the company. “The only thing I’ve ever seen Bruce Wayne lift is a glass of Scotch.”
During the limbo challenge, Wayne stunned onlookers by smoothly gliding beneath a bar only twenty-eight inches off the ground. “I’ve never seen anything like that,” whispered Administrative Assistant Margot Huble, her hands shaking as she clutched a black coffee. “How can a human being do that?”
Mr. Wayne even managed to single-handedly win the tug-of-war. Guests looked on in horror as he dragged eight full grown men through thirty feet of mud.
To top that, the Boy Billionaire triumphed in the paintball challenge completely unarmed, opting instead to stalk the course and disarm each participant in complete silence.
Ted McCullough, captain of the red team and Junior Human Resources Manager, recalled being the last active player on the field. “I had captured the flag and was about to run back to our base when I turned around and noticed that every member of my team had vanished. Before I could even call out for help, he dropped out of nowhere, shattered my CO2 tank, and hoisted me into a tree with some sort of snare built from leaves and branches!” McCullough has since handed in his resignation. “It was the most terrifying moment of my life.”
Wayne finished out the day by sprinting the 100 meter relay by himself in 9.52 seconds. The time was not only good enough to beat runner up Marvin Bloomfield from Accounts Receivable, but also smashed the current world record set by Usain Bolt in 2009. After the loss, Mr. Bloomfield was immediately rushed to the recently renovated Gotham General Hospital , suffering from pulmonary edema. Wayne then handed Bloomfield a blank check to “take care of expenses” before doing one-handed pushups for thirty minutes straight.
“I’m not surprised he has such energy,” snarled one anonymous mailroom employee. “I hear he spends his nights snorting cocaine with hookers until dawn!”
As the events wound down, several employees tried to get some face time with the elusive playboy. Unfortunately for them, Wayne managed to vanish just as the sun set, leaving the remaining guests in a state of frustration.
“If Mr. Wayne would be as interested in our overseas mergers and acquisitions as he was in the events this afternoon,” lamented Helen Ryerson, head of International Affairs, “then maybe our current stock prices wouldn’t be plummeting.”
Others remained impressed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Bruce Wayne turned out to be Batman!” exclaimed Edward Nygma, the company’s Senior IT Manager and Systems Engineer. “But that’s impossible.” Mr. Nygma then stroked his chin curiously while staring off into the distance.