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July 07, 2017

We need to talk about it. Because it is very weird.

As you get older, a lot of strange things will happen to your body. Changes in your body are natural. When going through them, it is helpful to talk about them and share our experiences. Since we know people have gone through these things before, we know we are not unusual. We are normal.

If you’re a man, when you turn 29 years old, your penis will shrink three inches. But then a few days later, it grows seven inches. No one talks about this.

It is really scary at first, when your penis shrinks. And those days when you aren’t sure what’s happening to you can be tough. But then, it’s a huge relief when it grows back, plus four extra inches you didn’t have before. For me, that part happened in the middle of the day, right in front of my eyes. All at once. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit weird.

Many of you have experienced what I’m talking about. But many of you are also younger and have yet to go through it. Those are the people I most want to reach out to. You need to know that this will happen and understand that it is completely normal.

The first time I got an erection, my parents hadn’t talked to me about any sex stuff yet. I felt weird and confused. I felt like a freak. And that’s the same way I felt when I woke on the morning of my 29th birthday and my penis was half the size it was when I went to bed the night before. Both of these experiences could have been made more positive by conversation. Because both of these experiences are equally normal.

Similarly, it would have helped if someone told me that on my 31st birthday my penis would say “Hello Brandon” in a loud, very distinctive, voice. I didn’t know this would happen. I didn’t know a penis could talk. And boy was it scary.

We need to start a dialogue about these things. We need compassion. We need openness. What we certainly don’t need is people thinking they’re freaks because their penis shrank and then grew. Or thinking they’re crazy because they heard their penis talk. And trying to talk back to It and not understanding why it won’t answer.

We don’t need people losing their minds, reading book after book to find out if this is normal. Or filling their google search history with questions like:

  • “Are penises supposed to talk?”
  • “If my penis can talk why won’t it say anything else?”
  • “Can my penis hear me too or no because it doesn’t have ears? But it also doesn’t have a mouth????”

And then, later that year, when your penis, after not speaking for months, says “Hi Brandon. It’s me again, your penis. Remember that time I shrank? What if I do it again and this time never grow back?”

This leads us to have very similar thoughts. Is my penis bluffing? Why does my penis feel the need to threaten me? What does it hope to gain from this?! So far, no further shrinking has happened. But then, you know this if you’re 31.

This happens to all of us, so we need to be there for each other. I know it’s embarrassing, but we need to talk about even the things that make us uncomfortable. If we all go through this together, none of us will have to go through these completely normal things alone.