Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 23, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A picture of the tracks made by NASA’s Curiosity confirmed that the rover made its first drive on Mars. Also, it may have run over a cop...

Some projections suggest a hurricane will hit Tampa during the Republican National Convention. However, if it's not a "legitimate hurricane," Republicans say they should be fine.

Egyptian villagers locked a health minister in a room after an outbreak of contaminated water. The health minister remains adamant that he didn't know about it, but he has agreed to give the villagers back their prom.

According to the National Association of Realtors (NAR), existing home sales rose 2.3 percent in July. The group said they were happy to see their prediction of sales hitting a NAR wall were unfounded.

Avril Lavigne and Nickelback's Chad Kroeger announced that they're engaged. "Well this is earlier than expected," said the Mayans.

A new study says older fathers are more likely to have a child who suffers from autism or schizophrenia. Not to mention having fewer people at his high school graduation.

Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin said Paul Ryan asked him to drop out of the race because his controversial comments about rape. But at least Ryan asked nicely at first.

Furthermore, Akin said both Ryan and Mitt Romney told him not to show up at the Republican National Convention. Mainly because there's just not enough room there for everyone who thinks rape victims don't know how vaginas work.

The director of the Congressional Budget Office says the U.S. will go back into a recession if spending cuts and tax increases are allowed to go into effect. To make his point clear to Congress, he slammed his hands together and made a "WAHPLOWSHHHH!" noise.

A new book promises a "firsthand account of the mission that killed Osama bin Laden." But you'll have to wait for the sequel if you like hearing about people shooting women and dogs.

The Centers for Disease Control confirmed that the U.S. is experiencing "one of the biggest West Nile virus outbreaks we have ever seen." Adding, "So please stop asking us about zombies."

The chairman of Ohio's GOP thought he was off-record when he said, “We shouldn’t contort the voting process to accommodate the urban—read African-American—voter-turnout machine.” Though it's unclear if he was being racist or racist and anti-robot.

French tourists were arrested in Sri Lanka for pretending to kiss a statue of Buddha. To be fair, that's really more a statue of Jesus kinda thing.