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March 24, 2015

The new kid at school thinks he's prepared to run for Class President

Hey, Hey everybody, how are you? Who am I? I’m not Jay-z,but please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Joel. I am new to school,so you likely do not know me, but you may have seen me pulling up in my sister’s sweet turbo charged 98’ VW Bug.

Basic information about me: I once peed next to a man who I thought was Dana Carvey at a Cold Stone Creamery just outside of Disney World.I have thrice been stuck underneath John Deere riding mowers as I was trying to pick up change, I own the entire DVD box set to King of Queens, and I have 11Mark McGwire rookie cards, one of which is auto graphed by Alan Thicke and Carl Weathers.

I know what you may be thinking, what makes this kid think he’s qualified to run for class president? Well, to build some trust, let me debunk three myths for you.

#1 – America does not run on Dunkin’. In fact, running on a donut would be silly. America, like every other country runs on their feet.

#2 – You cannot have it your way at McDonald’s. I tried ordering having it my way by ordering a bloomin’ onion with horsie sauce and an Italian Trio, and was asked to leave after stealing a dozen oreo mcflurry’s. Again,not my way.

#3 – Sprite is obviously much more than lemon and lime. That statement is patent pending, just so you know, as I am still waiting for the Attorney General to get back to me on that.

I have a scar at the top of my mouth from chop sticks. When I was young I had chop sticks in my mouth and I was riding on a big wheel and slammed into a table, and BAM! Just like that they got lodged in the roof of my mouth. It’s true and I only told you that story to try and truly connect to you.

I am running with no agenda because I have no agenda. I am here to do whatever it is this class needs, I’m not a liar so I won’t say that I know you better than yourselves – so you tell me what you need!

A recent study that I’ll independently conduct by myself next Thursday, students aged 6th-12th will spend 3 and ahalf school years on their phone in a single semester. So you don’t think youneed help?

I’m the candidate you don’t know, but will all know soon. Ileft personalized notes in your lockers, along with some homemade whitechocolate macadamia nut cookies for you to enjoy. Please consider speaking withme at some point in time in your lives.