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July 07, 2017

From the leader in unsought advice.

You just brought the airport security line to a full stop. Again. You weren’t holstering a gun. And they didn’t find the stash in your shave kit. The problem is you and needing five trays to unload your belongings, an agitating performance that makes a meth addict paying back rent with loose change play like the pottery scene in Ghost.

Traveling by plane is the worst. Long lines. Delayed flights. Sitting next to adults wearing pajamas. And here you come, packed down with food court contraband—like a kid heading to fat camp—leading the rest of us to consider and appreciate the uncomplicated accessibility of the barf bag.

Help bring dignity back to the skies. Pack light. Wear a blazer. And, if you fail to cram your bag into the overhead, stop redoubling your efforts and demonstrating the kind of touch new inmates can expect in a prison shower.

In an evolutionary sense, by learning to fly, we out kicked humanity’s coverage. It’s not natural. That’s why people overpack, gulp vodka or hand real, actual money over to clerks in exchange for books written by Nicholas Sparks.

The good news is air rage incidents are spiking upward at a reassuring rate. Society has recognized the problem. And nature is solving it.

In the meantime, tighter travel restrictions should hopefully make it impossible for you to board a plane.

Good luck.