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September 22, 2008


I took a step towards adulthood today and purchased my first suit. Not a useful suit such as a bathing suit, a diving suit, or a chicken suit. I'm talking a no joke, I'm sick of eating Hot dogs and Mac n Cheese, lets try to look like we belong at this interview so they might mess up and actually hire me, suit. Otherwise known as business professional attire.

I have always had reservations about buying such clothing. I felt that it didn't really match my style and for me to wear a suit would be like putting lip stick on a pit bull then trying to pass it off as a serious candidate for Miss Alaska. I mean sure the pit bull could conceivably make it through evening wear, and undoubtedly the judges would be impressed when, for her talent, the pit bull eats 2 small children playing gleefully in a yard, but when it comes time to the question segment the pit bull will be screwed. World peace doesn't sound sincere coming from the same mouth that just devoured a pair of kids.

I had a change of heart  about purchasing a suit after I started getting interviews that required business professional attire. Well actually the change of heart started when I gave my resume a bit of a face lift. The traditional foundation and blush just didn't make my resume attractive enough. I had to do a little botox into the years of experience and a bit of lipo to those unseemly gaps in employment. I'd of gone for some silicone implants for my education but that's much harder to pull off without soemone knowing its fake. You see my old resume wasn't getting its dance card filled by any means. So after my new and improved resume received a number of gentlemen callers I thought,  that's not me, really, so whats a fancy get up gonna hurt now?   

A bit of advice to any male shopping for their first suit. The sales associate that greets you as you walk in the door will either be the biggest stuck up prick you've ever seen or obviously gay. The prick will make you feel like you would be better fit at a a mop store picking out a new handle, and the gay guy is gonna tell you that your shoes wont match, your ties are horrible, and unless you want to look like a bum you need a new dress shirt. Either way you're gonna spend more money than planned. To impress the prick you'll buy a nicer suit, and because the gay guy is correct in his assessments you'll purchase all the accoutrements. After all you're not buying this suit to look like a bum.

In the end no matter what suit you get from where you're gonna have the same thought. "I can't believe I just spent that much when I have so little." They say to look at it as an investment into your future. They are right. You'll either get a great job that pays well enough to buy even more suits or you'll have something nice to be buried in after missing the shelter check in one particularly cold night. Sure that suit looks great but it doesn't provide much warmth.

Its funny to think for the same money I spent on a single use business suit I could of gotten a real sweet chicken suit, and oh are there so many uses for a chicken suit.