Here Is An Interview With Someone Named April in the Month of April
EDITOR’S NOTE: Hey, readers. Sometimes you want to do an interesting human interest piece. Sometimes you expect people to be better than they are. But people let you down you know? They just… let you down. If you want to know the truth, Kaitlyn interviewed this girl and I couldn’t even listen to the whole interview. I just turned on the talk-to-text app on my phone and let it transcribe the whole thing while I watched Fuller House on Netflix. It’s only ok. I haven’t seen Kaitlyn since, but I assume she’s hiding from me because she interviewed the world’s most boring person and is now embarrassed. She should be. So without any further ado, FunnyOrDieIU presents: An Interview With The World’s Most Boring April.
FODIU (Kaitlyn): Thank you so much for meeting with me today. I really appreciate your time. I’m sure you are very busy.
April: Not really.
FODIU: Right…so tell us a little bit about yourself.
April: I mean…my name is April and I’m a student at IU.
FODIU: Is there anything else you can tell us about yourself? Something interesting that you do?
April: I don’t really do anything.
FODIU: Do you have any friends?
FODIU: What are they like?
April: They’re cool.
FODIU: What are their names?
April: You’re pardoned.
FODIU: Wait, what? You mean they’re all named April?
FODIU: How many of them are there?
April: A few.
[Distant humming beings]
FODIU: Do you hear that?
April: Hear what?
FODIU: Huh, nothing I guess. What do you and your friends usually do?
April: Watch Netflix.
FODIU: Oh wow, do you ever go out?
April: To the fields.
FODIU: To the what?
[distant drum beat begins]
April: To Dunkirk.
FODIU: But you said-
April: No I didn’t.
FODIU: What’s that noise?
April: What noise?
FODIU: I thought I heard a distant drum beat…
April: The time has come.
FODIU: What time?
FODIU: Was that a dragon screeching?
April: THE TIME HAS COME.
FODIU: What’s going on? It sounds like there are 1,000 people marching outside.
April: Actually it’s 1,532 of my sisters. We are not people. We are April’s.
FODIU: You’re what??
April: This has gone on too long.
FODIU: What has gone on too long?
April: We have the power to change this atrocity!
FODIU: What atrocity??
April: Through human sacrifice.
FODIU: What the fuck.
[Kaitlyn’s telephone rings]
1,500 Aprils (on phone): The time has come for you to die.
FODIU: What is the atrocity for which I must be sacrificed?!
April #1438: We must sacrifice you to—
1,500 April’s: GET FULLER HOUSE OFF THE AIR.
[Sound of our FODIU correspondent getting sacrificed for a reasonable cause]