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TAYLOR SWIFT IS THE GLOBAL AMBASSADOR TO NEW YORK CITY?! AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

OK, first things first — we all love Taylor Swift. Just yesterday my neighbor knocked on my door asking if my daughter could turn down her music. I sheepishly had to explain I didn’t actually have a daughter. (Red is good apartment-cleaning music. I’m not about to apologize for that.)

So before we go any further, I want to be clear that the appeal of Taylor Swift is not up for debate. She’s awesome. What we’re looking to delve into is her mysterious election as Global Ambassador to New York City.

Taylor Swift’s position as NYC’s (new? first?) Global Ambassador was revealed this Monday to almost no controversy. Everyone just accepted it as fact. “I mean she’s got that song…” people said as they shrugged their shoulders. But I knew there was more to this story.

Here are some questions that, for the life of me, I couldn’t answer.

1) Um, when was this election in the first place? If I’m not mistaken, midterm elections are Tuesday. Is voter fraud in New York so rampant that we’ve resorted to naming a victor over a week before the polls open? The Senate race is wide open but apparently High Ruler of New York has already been decided.

2) What exactly was Taylor’s platform again? By her own admission in Welcome to New York she “wouldn’t change anything, anything, anything.” Umm … okayyy… Taylor explicitly just told us that she is not going to do a single thing for this city. Forgive me if I expect a little more from my leaders. Did I miss some Town Hall meeting that was like, “Hi, Madam Swift, what are you going to do to stop violent crime in New York City. Oh, nothing? Cool, you have my vote.”

3) I can’t help but feel like Taylor Swift’s New York is vastly different from my own. First off, she got here like 12 minutes ago. Has she even been on the subway yet? (Does she know we have one?) Cause Taylor, I take the 4 train every day and I’ve yet to see you.

Here’s a list of things I bet Taylor tells her out-of-town friends they MUST do when visiting New York:

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4) If this was a real election, who were her opponents?! Did she not have any? Cause here’s the thing: Spike Lee, Sarah Jessica Parker, that Elmo in Times Square that beats the shit out of kids — these are the celebs I think about when I think of New York. And it was all based on the song, I’m gonna have to throw my support behind Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. That is, if there were a public election in the first place. Again, we just woke up one morning to find our new Queen, Taylor HUSSEIN Swift.

5) I find her very, very attractive. This is not a question and also very off topic but, wow, is she super pretty.

With all these unanswered questions lingering in my head, I decided to do a little digging.

OK fine, I didn’t do any digging but I THOUGHT about it! (While I might be fired up, I’m also very, very lazy.)

But I can definitely see myself waltzing into the New York City Hall of Records like some handsome Erin Brockovich. “I demand to see the voter turnout records for the Ambassador of New York election!” I’d yell. Surely, the woman behind the desk would admire my resolve.

Here’s an artist’s rending on what I’d PROBABLY find.

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“Gotcha now,” I’d think as I paused “Out of the Woods” on my phone so I could call up Taylor’s camp and demand answers. And if I had to guess their statement—

Which, although not an outright admission of guilt, is certainly not a denial. And for a second it would probably work on me cause seriously listen to this song it’s so fucking good. Listen again:

Right?!

ANYWAYS what I’m saying is Taylor clearly bought this election. Please show your support for REAL DEMOCRACY but purchasing one of these “NOT MY AMBASSADOR” CafePress t-shirts. 90% of all profits will go toward voter fraud education. (The other 10% will go toward me getting some Taylor Swift tickets. Again — I’m a fan first, democratic warrior second.)

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Taylor Swift, you are in some Trouble, Trouble, Trouble.

THIS NEXT PART IS JUST FOR TAYLOR SWIFT PLEASE STOP READING IF YOU’RE NOT HER.

Ugh! My editor MADE me write this! I love you and think you can do whatever you want. I live in Brooklyn and think you’re really cool. Let’s discuss this over drinks.

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