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 In a society that is obsessed with body image and trimming fat, liquids are all the rage. However, why would anybody want to stick with bland old water or lemonade when they can have mushed fruit and vegetables in a cup for seven dollars? Well, the answer is a lot of people, more than I would normally care to think about, yet I feel as if this is an epidemic that I need to address.

Don’t get me wrong, I like smoothies…occasionally. If I’m the boardwalk, yes, some strawberries with a little ice and lime juice blended together definitely quenches my thirst and soothes my pallet, what I don’t like is the mutation of a simple strawberry smoothie into some protein-inducing magic seaweed shake that soccer moms drink to try and get rid of the extra baby fat they’ve had for the past decade. I’m sorry that you husbands cheat on you with their secretaries, I really am, but stop trying to use smoothies and plastic surgery to ease your pain, because it is driving me crazy!!

You may be wondering how and why such a thing would affect my life, and the answer lies in the smoothie shops themselves. What used to be simple kiosks are now strip-mall staples with names like Dancing Straw and Bulimia Berry. Every smoothie shop has seemingly undergone a metamorphosis of anorexia, low self-esteem and obsessive compulsive weigh-watching to form into the organic-loving factories that they are to this very day.

It is also impossible to get a simple strawberry smoothie nowadays. What I can get is a banana, lima-bean, seaweed, walnut, carrot, and laxative smoothie with a hint of strawberry seeds, and walk out of the store with something called Sexy Strawberry Splash and feel great about the fiber I’m ingesting as if I really give a shit. I could get that, or I can Penis-Growth Peach, Anorexia Apple or Rhinoplasty Raspberry and feel great about myself, because I know that I forfeited ice cream to have a frozen treat that will make other people at my country club appreciate me!

Another thing, smoothie shops have more white customers than than a Whole Foods on Earth Day. I have yet to see a black person in a smoothie shop, and that’s because they’re too busy maintaining their dignity. The demographic for any smoothie shop is white women and gay men between the ages of 16 and 45. Occasionally you will see an Asian woman, but that’s only if she’s having an affair with a poetry-loving, barefooted white lesbian who only eats raw food.

Basically, what used to be a drink that I enjoyed from time to time has become yet another commercialized fad used to make people feel more self-conscious about their bodies. If you’re really into losing weight, drink more water, eat a few more salads and work-out, but don’t convince yourself that chugging down an Orgasm Orange is going to make you any more hip or lean, because all you’re doing is investing in sugar that has been deemed “healthy” because it has the word “organic” in front of the title.

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