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3 Funny Votes
3 Die Votes
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Published June 04, 2011
In the bloody anals of murder, only one criminal case has remained unsolved above all the others; and that's the one about Jack the Ripper. For ten dreadful weeks in 1888, the east end of London was shocked by a series of grisly murders. Newspapers dubbed the killer Jack the Ripper, but no one was ever tried for the gruesome crimes. Even today, 123 years later, Scotland Yard are no nearer to solving the case.

I have taken it upon myself to provie a suspect, and will leave it to you, the members of Funny or Die, to decide on its validity.

SUSPECT:

Name: Merrick, John
Alias: The Elephant Man
Occupation: Freak
Picture: (EXCLUDED FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE EASILY DISGUSTED)

MOTIVE:

As a hideously deformed elephant man, Merrick would almost certainly have suffered rejection from females from an early age. Cruel taunts from Victorian girls at the school disco may well have left their mark on his psyche. And elephants never forget. Who can say for certain whether his bubbling resentment of women didn't later boil over into an orgy of sickening violence in the dark back streets of London Town?

MEANS:

Merrick was given free range of the Whitechapel hospital by Dr Frederick Treves, and would therefore have had easy access to a bewildering array of sharp knives from the kitchen and doctors' bags from the staff room. Who knows what uses his twisted mind could find for these implements of death, as he skulked amongst the shadows of the back of old London town?

OPPORTUNITY:

The window of opportunity was certainly open for Merrick. His rooms were situated only yards from where the victims met their fates. However, Jack the Ripper was known to disappear into the crowd after perpetrating his foul deeds, and it is doubtful whether a trumpeting fifteen ton bull elephant with a sack over its head would find it easy to merge into the bustling night-time crowds of Victorian Whitechapels.

VERDICT:

Although the circumstantial evidence against Merrick is compelling, in order to convict him of being Jack the Ripper, I have to be sure of his guilt beyond reasonable doubt. The evidence I have shown, in my opinion, is sadly not sufficient to secure a conviction on The Elephant Man. But what do you think?



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