In the bloody anals of murder, only one criminal case has remained unsolved above all the others; and that's the one about Jack the Ripper. For ten dreadful weeks in 1888, the east end of London was shocked by a series of grisly murders. Newspapers dubbed the killer Jack the Ripper, but no one was ever tried for the gruesome crimes. Even today, 123 years later, Scotland Yard are no nearer to solving the case.
I have taken it
upon myself to provie a suspect, and will leave it to you,
the members of Funny or Die, to decide on its validity.
Name: Merrick, John
Alias: The Elephant Man
Picture: (EXCLUDED FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE EASILY DISGUSTED)
a hideously deformed elephant man, Merrick would almost certainly have
suffered rejection from females from an early age. Cruel taunts from
Victorian girls at the school disco may well have left their mark on his
psyche. And elephants never forget. Who can say for certain whether his
bubbling resentment of women didn't later boil over into an orgy of
sickening violence in the dark back streets of London Town?
was given free range of the Whitechapel hospital by Dr Frederick
Treves, and would therefore have had easy access to a bewildering array
of sharp knives from the kitchen and doctors' bags from the staff room.
Who knows what uses his twisted mind could find for these implements of
death, as he skulked amongst the shadows of the back of old London town?
window of opportunity was certainly open for Merrick. His rooms were
situated only yards from where the victims met their fates. However,
Jack the Ripper was known to disappear into the crowd after perpetrating
his foul deeds, and it is doubtful whether a trumpeting fifteen ton
bull elephant with a sack over its head would find it easy to merge into
the bustling night-time crowds of Victorian Whitechapels.
the circumstantial evidence against Merrick is compelling, in order to
convict him of being Jack the Ripper, I have to be sure of his guilt
beyond reasonable doubt. The evidence I have shown, in my opinion, is
sadly not sufficient to secure a conviction on The Elephant Man. But
what do you think?