Embarrassed by your parents’ presence on social media? That’s not true suffering. My 80-year-old grandma is on Facebook and she’s fucking up both of our lives. Here are some real things she’s done on the site that have made me want to delete my account or detach from the family entirely.
She liked my acceptance of a coworker’s friend request and commented, “Friendship is beautiful.”
She misunderstood the term “profile picture” and made hers a picture of the side of her face — aka her literal profile.
She posted a blurry picture of her dog, Foxy, and accidentally tagged a Fox News correspondent.
She somehow gained access to my brother’s tagged photos even though he blocked her, found a picture of him sitting with a boy, thought it meant he was gay, and commented, “no.”
She shares what her woods are like in all seasons.
She writes ominously joyful comments on my profile pictures.
Maybe she thinks it’s 1939 and we’ve just recovered from the Depression?
Maybe she’s in denial of her own, personal depression?
Maybe tragedy is about to strike but somehow only she knows about it and she’s savoring the end of human joy?
Yup, there’s about to be a fucking apocalypse.
Yeah, forever in the AFTERLIFE because LIFE AS WE KNOW IT ENDS TOMORROW AND ONLY MY GRANDMA KNOWS.
She asks a lot of questions, too.
I never answered these questions, and I probably won’t have time to before I DIE.
She shares everything I post. She likes every event that I attend. I love you, Grandma, but please close your laptop and go back to needlepoint.